I missed you too…

I am bursting at the seams with love and am completely overwhelmed with the love God has for me.  This weekend was a tough one.  One of battle after battle.  Not listening or entertaining the lies and distractions that desperately want me to believe that I’m not enough, that they won’t want me to come back, that I need to lose weight, that he’s gone, and that their actions say they don’t care, etc. Rather, holding fast to His words of truth and promises by reading His Word and prayer while laying things at the cross.

Yet, God turned the tide and came like a rushing stream last night and this morning.  My fellow interns prayed for me as I let the tears fall down my face.  I sat vulnerable, broken, and honest about the hard weekend.  Afterward, strengthened by prayer, God provided a source of life, of passion.  The timing worked out that I stayed up late editing a curriculum for the Leadership Summit classes.  I devoured every word and came alive.  I could barely sleep. When I woke up to see the sunrise, I found myself drawn to Isaiah where verse after verse captured my heart.

Isaiah 58:8-9 “Then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring forth and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, ‘Here I am.'”

Isaiah 61: 10 For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness.

Isaiah 62: 4 But you will be called, “My delight is in her,”

As I write, tears flood my eyes and stream down my face because I am so broken by His love. So broken to feel the love of God.  That even through everything, He keeps saying, “And I’m madly in love with you” and to show you that I’m going to give you an amazing gift today:

My heart broke in July when I had to say good-bye.  I cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers for him.  Each Friday still made my heart happy, but not like when he was there to give me a hug. Today, I got that hug I’ve been wanting for months. He played with my hair, I met his new family, I held him in my arms, I said I love you over and over, we sang Hakuna Matata, and he jumped up on my shoulders.  All the things that I loved and missed.  Yet, he stole my heart all over again and brought tears to my eyes when I heard the sweet words:

“I missed you too”

Weighty

I stood at the doorway waiting to bring in the Jell-o for the game to see who could eat it the fastest through a straw.  My eyes watched the room from afar.  Looking at the wide range of emotions on the kids’ faces and seeing their reactions to counting stickers.  When I looked closer, I saw and felt hope.  These kids live at Hope House.  A House that can be filled with Hope.  An expectation of things to come, the potential for changed lives filled the room.

Suddenly, my attention turned to a cry from outside the room with commotion.  I turned to see what happened.  Katleho (above) sat on the floor crying.  I asked what had happened to find out that he had fallen forward with his head hitting the floor first.  A bump already popped out and a previous scar from another fall stood out.  My heart reached out with my hands as I tried to hold his hand.  The caretaker tried to drag him to his feet by grabbing his hand, but I went behind asking if I could carry him into the kitchen.  I picked him up, not noticing the wetness, and sat with him on the floor.  I asked the caretakers about Katleho’s seizures and if he was taking his medicine along with if he was up for adoption.

Desperately, I wanted to take him home with me along with all the other kids.  I wanted to hold them in my arms and give them the one-on-one attention they crave.  Yet, more than that, I wanted to show them that I believe in them.  I believe they can.  I don’t want to say, “I can do this for you.” I want to empower them and overwhelm them with love. To feel the weight of the glory of God and the weight of His love for them.

1 Corinthians 13:7 “Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything”

Sweet Forgiveness in the Hands of a Healer

broken in pieces i humbly bow before You shattered by the weight of sin desperate to feel your arms around me and hear you say these words again: sweet forgiveness.

~~

so beautiful. so beautiful. so beautiful the hands of God. so powerful. so powerful. so powerful the hands of God. glory to the King who gave His life. glory to the lamb of sacrifice. beautiful and broken. holiness and love. glorious the wounded hands of God.

The Name of the Wind

Sometimes a book stays with you long after your hands have turned the last page.  The emotions, weight, and power of The Name of the Wind has stayed with me these past few weeks.  All of my other books pale in comparison.  I love and hate that feeling…

Here’s a glimpse of the hauntingly beautiful book:

“But we are all creatures of habit.  It is far too easy to stay in the familiar ruts we dig for ourselves.” p. 187

“I’m not saying it’s rational…Emotions by their very nature are not reasonable things.  I don’t feel that way now, but back then I did.  I remember.”

“My parents danced together, her head on his chest.  Both had their eyes closed.  They seemed so perfectly content.  If you can find someone like that, someone who you can hold and close your eyes to the world with, then you’re lucky.  Even if it only lasts for a minute or a day.  The image of them gently swaying to the music is how I picture love in my mind even after all these years.” p. 118-119

Happy Day!

We probably found a house to live in starting in May! I’m psyched!  I am really hoping this one will work out.  One of my roommates has to look at the house still so we’re waiting for her to give the go ahead.  This has been a huge weight on my mind and a stressor.  I kept realizing that I have to move out in less than 3 weeks! Sad, crazy, exciting, fun, new.  I’m ready for a little change in life and to decorate a new room (we might even get to paint!)!  Plus, the house sits adjacent to a running trail…I’m in heaven!  There’s also a deck for summer parties so get ready!

Pairs of Pants

I have searched high and low since December to find a pair of jeans that fit well.  I finally found them!!!  Due to various circumstances, I lost some weight and none of my other jeans fit quite right.  The jeans either were annoyingly big in the waist or they were too tight in areas or too short (I shrink things…) or a bit old that they had awkward holes.  I also found amazing black pants that fit me this last week too.  There’s just something amazing about wearing a pair of pants that fits, is comfortable, and makes you feel good.

The same can be true about relationships.  I know this is a stretch, but I think the analogy between pants and relationships is interesting 🙂

  I have some pants that I wear occasionally, some that I shouldn’t wear, some that I wear all the time, some that I want to wear more often–either too dressy or just not enough other clothes to go with them, some old pairs that I still love, some old pairs that I love, but don’t really work anymore, some that are too comfortable, some that make me want to change, some that change me, ect.

Even my relationship with God has changed throughout the years through some of the different stages.  When I was younger, I definitely didn’t want anything to do with that “pair of pants.”  When I first became a Christian, I felt extremely awkward and unsure of myself in those dressy pants.  At times, I have become too complacent and comfortable in my relationship with God.  Other times, the “pants” have been really hard to wear and uncomfortable because I went through a period of change.

A final clarifying thought:

The different types of pants/relationships add variety and freshness to my life.  I need dressy pants, skinny jeans, comfy sweatpants just like I need the differing relationships in my life.  Not everyone can be a comfortable pair of sweatpants for me, otherwise how am I ever going to get a job! 😉

-Katy Rose

Biblical Reference to look up: 1 Corinthians 12