running in the rain

Saturday. 18 miles.

I set out in the direction of the blue skies and fluffy clouds.  I’m starting to get over the “Oh my…I could be running for 3 hours or more.”  I’m already looking forward to hitting my sweet spot of mile 5 where I clip along and enjoy the run.  The wind plays with the clouds and I stand in awe at all the different views I soak up.  The dark rain clouds tease me to the right while the high wispy clouds dance behind me.  I loathe miles 2 and 3 but keep on staring into the sun for encouragement.  When I hit mile 5, I’m going up hill and like clockwork the rain clouds have shifted to directly over my head.  There I am.  Running uphill in the kind of rain that stings and makes you wonder if your ipod will survive.

But.

This is mile 5. I’m ready. My muscles are warmed up. I’ve settled into my long run pace. I know better than to stop.  I keep running.  I can’t stop the rain. I can’t change the circumstances. I can’t outrun the downpour.  So, I just run in the rain up the hill.

God meets me there. Brings me back to a conversation on that couch where I hold a pillow and play with my earrings thinking nervously about what my body language says as I find myself crossing my arms here and there.  In the midst of the words, a thought is held in my heart.

Have you ever thought that maybe God knew…  God knew and trusted that you would keep running the race.  He knew that the rain wouldn’t pull you out of the race, but would only strengthen you and that you wouldn’t stop.  He knew the time when you could handle the rain.  That’s when He let the rain fall.

I don’t know. But maybe…maybe the same’s true for the desert and the tears and the breaking because really deserts and storms are awfully similar.

p.s. I finished in under 3 hours.

have you kept running in the storm? or turned back to strengthen your brothers like peter after you fell? thoughts? 

taste of love

I arrive what feels late now. Muttering under my breath over and over the only prayer I can put together: Help, God.

Standing alone feels vulnerable. I feel exposed.

With just enough strength, I breathe deep and walk in the door.

He’s holding my left hand and I feel Him squeeze tight. Maybe that’s just in my head, but either way, I know He’s there walking with me.  He promised me. He’s the only one who has said He’ll never let me go, never leave or forsake.  I cling to those promises even though everything in me tears at them with too many experiences of empty promises and of being left.  I let Him be my family.

The clattering of voices and people mesh into a tapestry that I watch rather than engage.  In the blur of moments, I am asked and then find myself with a baby in my arms.  I did happen to say earlier that I am always willing to hold babies.

I drink in the feelings of how tiny fingers move together.  I notice the rhythm of breath and the way wispy hair brushes against my face.  I revel in the way her head rests on my chest quietly.

I exhale a prayer thanking Him for the breath of heaven in my arms and the answer to prayers she is.  I rest knowing she is placed in a family who loves her and loves Him.

Soft, silent tears fall down my face.  She feels like Zandile.  I’m holding her like I held Lerato.  My prayers turn to trusts and hopes.  Trust that He has a home for Zandile.  Trust that He provides all Lerato needs.  Hopes that they both will know Him.

With my arms and heart full, I taste the hard love.  I am overwhelmed by the love that gave it all for us in such a brutal way.  I sing a sweet Hallelujah mingled with tears.  He gets the mix of emotions.

I breathe deep in the moment to taste all parts of His love.

I remember the love as I settle in for the wait that comes with Saturday.  A waiting for a victory already won.  A reminder to press on toward the joy set before us.

He is the joy.

He is the love.

He is holding my hand

while I wait.

a glimpse of god

I didn’t expect to find tears running down my face.  I didn’t expect to find such a clear glimpse of who God is and His love for me.  To see how faithful God is to walk with us and never leave.  That’s the thing about encouraging other people.  Oftentimes, you’re the one so blessed and can’t help but smile through the tears.

Within a free pack of cards from (in)courage for National Day of Encouragement, I pulled this one out to find my fingers covered in gold sparkles.  A card that I would not pick myself.  Oh, but, the words softened my heart toward it:

“Thank you for sharing God’s love, not only with your words but also with your life.  In today’s world, that’s not always easy to do–but you do it with kindness and consistency.  That’s what makes you different, and it’s the reason you make a difference.  Thanks for being who you are and doing what you do–you’re appreciated more than you know.”

Right away, I knew who God wanted to receive this card.  Words came easily across the paper as if we were sitting chatting together instead of miles apart.  Until I got caught on the word consistency…so I wrote:

“And you keep walking this road with me from afar even when you could have easily stopped when an ocean got in the way.”

Somewhere along the way I picked up this notion that even if people say they will walk with me through a storm…that they’ll end up leaving me alone.  Close to a year ago, I entered a big storm and made some life changing decisions.  One of my questions as I entered this storm was if a few people would walk with me…and here today, I find them still walking with me. The storm has changed, but the one who I’m giving this card to…well, she’s still here…walking through the rain with me and teaching me to jump in the puddles with a smile on my face even while the tears flow. All the while….encouraging. waiting. trusting. praying. with me.

fierce

i’m fighting. my heart is weary, but my Shield is here.

when i find my heart wanting to say i’m scared….i remember and say “for god has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

believe

“There is a safe place with the Lord where we don’t have to have all the answers”

-Angie Smith, I Will Carry You

As much as I love learning, asking questions, digging deep, and talking, I am thankful that at the end of the day I can find just as much joy in an “I don’t know” than an “Oh!! I get it now.” Not everything has a neat little bow and I’m okay with that. A little mystery, a little too BIG for me to understand, well, that all adds to the beauty of God. Even in the midst of trials and heart aching questions, I can still find rest in His arms. Even if I find myself with an “I don’t know,” it’ll be okay because at the end of the day I remember this….

I believe that God is who He says He is.

have your way

i’ll trust you, god, with where i am

and believe that you’ll have your way

remind me that you take broken things and turn them into beautiful

Joy Wash Over Me

My head is coming up out of the water and I’m letting the waves wash over me again as I keep seeking and choosing joy.  My lists gets longer each week. The numbers climb toward 1,000.  How am I already over halfway?!  Well, part of it, is simply by taking a little of Anne Lamott’s advice by throwing some ingredients into the equation: being present, feeling things deeply, and becoming conscious in order to add something a little extra to this challenge of making life into art.  I even find myself writing down things that don’t seem like they should count, but they do now!  Besides, He tells us to give thanks for ALL things…which is part of experiencing joy for me.

Here’s a snapshot of my list:

459. seeking a sunrise

466. falling through the snow

475. having it okay to be real with God–He can take it.

488. looking for the swans

491. finishing 16.1 kilometers!!!!!

503. tears on the car ride home

510. the feeling of knowing you loved because it hurts to say good-bye

516. capturing the beautiful in a sentence

523. using up all my battery

527. driving with the windows down

551. someone saying “you’re such a kid…” (in a good way)

Your turn!! Share some of the joy 🙂

 

Saying No to say Yes

Truth is…I don’t like saying no to people…

I don’t like not being able to do certain things…

I don’t like knowing that because I struggle…because my flesh likes to take over…

that to walk as He calls me to… I must say no in order to say YES to God

Because, for me, the bigger truth is…I want to say YES to God way more than I want to say yes to people.

I don’t want to let a seemingly “little” yes get in the way…

That’s how it starts…the little yes to the flesh leading to a bigger yes leading to finding myself in a hole…

But, see, I am OUT of that hole.  And I am staying OUT.

The old is GONE. FOREVER.

Oh, but I won’t be naive in knowing that I can choose to crawl right back into that hole so instead I fix my eyes on Jesus and hear…

God saying, “What are you talking about?” because my SIN, my UGLY, is forgiven…is as far as the east is from the west and…

He made me a new creation…with a new heart…

A heart that is saying a big resounding YES to God

A heart that is being guarded from that hole by my Protector, my Provider

and Oh, I must have more of Him

So, I press on to know Him.

To know His voice and to follow Him…

To His immeasurably more than all that I can ask or imagine.

And, yeah…it might probably will look different than my little head imagines

Yeah…that might hurt…that might ache…that might cause some tears to fall…

But I know that He’s working ALL my things together for good.

I believe and stand on the promise that He will come through.

That He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Because you know what, He lets me know, “My delight is in you”

So, I’ve laid down my UGLY at the altar.

He’s calling for a living sacrifice.

A sacrifice…that costs but reminds me…

Jesus is better.

Yeah. I confess…I desire to be married.

Yeah, I confess that that desire in my own hands instead of His lead me to my hole…

to my sin, to my UGLY

So, He’s called me to lay that desire down on the altar as a living sacrifice

and for this next season I will heed His call and stay single by saying no…

So, I stand still and w…a…i…t… to see what He will do

Because the attention I get from Almighty Jesus is better and I’m going to…

run to Him.

run to Him.

run to Him.

And keep saying no…so that I can say YES to Him.

I missed you too…

I am bursting at the seams with love and am completely overwhelmed with the love God has for me.  This weekend was a tough one.  One of battle after battle.  Not listening or entertaining the lies and distractions that desperately want me to believe that I’m not enough, that they won’t want me to come back, that I need to lose weight, that he’s gone, and that their actions say they don’t care, etc. Rather, holding fast to His words of truth and promises by reading His Word and prayer while laying things at the cross.

Yet, God turned the tide and came like a rushing stream last night and this morning.  My fellow interns prayed for me as I let the tears fall down my face.  I sat vulnerable, broken, and honest about the hard weekend.  Afterward, strengthened by prayer, God provided a source of life, of passion.  The timing worked out that I stayed up late editing a curriculum for the Leadership Summit classes.  I devoured every word and came alive.  I could barely sleep. When I woke up to see the sunrise, I found myself drawn to Isaiah where verse after verse captured my heart.

Isaiah 58:8-9 “Then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring forth and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, ‘Here I am.'”

Isaiah 61: 10 For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness.

Isaiah 62: 4 But you will be called, “My delight is in her,”

As I write, tears flood my eyes and stream down my face because I am so broken by His love. So broken to feel the love of God.  That even through everything, He keeps saying, “And I’m madly in love with you” and to show you that I’m going to give you an amazing gift today:

My heart broke in July when I had to say good-bye.  I cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers for him.  Each Friday still made my heart happy, but not like when he was there to give me a hug. Today, I got that hug I’ve been wanting for months. He played with my hair, I met his new family, I held him in my arms, I said I love you over and over, we sang Hakuna Matata, and he jumped up on my shoulders.  All the things that I loved and missed.  Yet, he stole my heart all over again and brought tears to my eyes when I heard the sweet words:

“I missed you too”

my heart is breaking

Friday at Hope House resulted in teary eyes and good-byes.  The caretaker let me know that Lindo’s uncle was coming that day to take him home and that he wouldn’t be coming back. I already miss him.  my heart is breaking. At least I can pray for him.

Philippians 1:7 I hold you in my heart