in the word wednesday

“Katy girl…as you continue to release, trusting in Him completely, you will be utterly amazed at what He will do with and through you.  You remind me of Esther. She waited, studied, questioned as she allowed herself to be prepared. When/As she walked into her destiny she gave all, trusting completely in God fully aware that even her life was at stake.  She allowed herself to be completely vulnerable and exposed…for such a time as this.  God will lead you to the very place He is even now preparing you for.”

“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves.  Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16

Words stay with me.  Long after they have been spoken or written I carry them along.  Sometimes I really need to learn how to hit the delete button faster, but other times the words carry God-weighted goodness. The words above I’ve held in my heart for well over a year and still have the cute card.  God whispered words encouraging me along the way to trust, let go of the masks, and embrace the adventure even with the risks.  Whereas, the verse above is one that I am carrying, mulling it over, pondering it, holding it in my heart just since last week.  When it was spoken, I didn’t recognize the context and didn’t fully see the implication.

After reading Matthew 10, I held my breath.  Jesus called them each by name. Gave them a charge to go to the lost sheep.  Sent them among the wolves.  Gave them power to heal, cleanse, raise the dead, and cast out demons.  To freely give because they had freely received.  To love much because they had been forgiven much.  To endure to the end even while others hate them because of His name’s sake.  To remember how valuable they are and that God will take care of them.  To take up their cross.  To give to the little ones.  To teach and preach and be like the Teacher. To speak what is given to them by the Spirit of the Father.

With the verse came the charge and the  confidence that the armor (Ephesians 6) has been given for me to wear into this battle.  To be like Esther knowing full well that lives are at stake–not just mine–but to trust and walk forward in obedience confidently with Him.  While knowing that He has a purpose for such a time as this as well a time for preparation and becoming…wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

 

 

I missed you too…

I am bursting at the seams with love and am completely overwhelmed with the love God has for me.  This weekend was a tough one.  One of battle after battle.  Not listening or entertaining the lies and distractions that desperately want me to believe that I’m not enough, that they won’t want me to come back, that I need to lose weight, that he’s gone, and that their actions say they don’t care, etc. Rather, holding fast to His words of truth and promises by reading His Word and prayer while laying things at the cross.

Yet, God turned the tide and came like a rushing stream last night and this morning.  My fellow interns prayed for me as I let the tears fall down my face.  I sat vulnerable, broken, and honest about the hard weekend.  Afterward, strengthened by prayer, God provided a source of life, of passion.  The timing worked out that I stayed up late editing a curriculum for the Leadership Summit classes.  I devoured every word and came alive.  I could barely sleep. When I woke up to see the sunrise, I found myself drawn to Isaiah where verse after verse captured my heart.

Isaiah 58:8-9 “Then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring forth and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, ‘Here I am.'”

Isaiah 61: 10 For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness.

Isaiah 62: 4 But you will be called, “My delight is in her,”

As I write, tears flood my eyes and stream down my face because I am so broken by His love. So broken to feel the love of God.  That even through everything, He keeps saying, “And I’m madly in love with you” and to show you that I’m going to give you an amazing gift today:

My heart broke in July when I had to say good-bye.  I cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers for him.  Each Friday still made my heart happy, but not like when he was there to give me a hug. Today, I got that hug I’ve been wanting for months. He played with my hair, I met his new family, I held him in my arms, I said I love you over and over, we sang Hakuna Matata, and he jumped up on my shoulders.  All the things that I loved and missed.  Yet, he stole my heart all over again and brought tears to my eyes when I heard the sweet words:

“I missed you too”

Come Alive

A little over a year ago, God laid on my heart a desire to serve, to go, to experience, to put into practice all my “book smarts.”  Passion rose up in me when I talked about going and the things that I would do here.  Everything was new.  I had never been here.  I didn’t know the people.  But my heart was already full of passion, excitement, and determination to see change.

Last night, I talked with my roommate for hours about that same passion.  I articulated my heart in ways that I hadn’t spoken out loud before.  Except this time, I see the faces.  I see the bare feet.  I see the laughter.  I see the hurt.  I see the potential.  I know the people.  I have my own stories.  I work with people who share stories and passion for these people.  I have them in my heart.  I come alive when I talk about my passion for South Africa, for the kids here, for discipleship, and for the amazing ways God shows up, how He relentlessly pursues us,  and how big He is.

Still Here Waiting…

My head automatically tries to see everything from all sorts of angles.  For example, a simple decision about whether I should go to the Lion Park turns into a litany of streaming thought: if I go then I won’t have as much time to run, but then I might be missing out on hanging out with people and then again I would have to get up early and maybe I need to just have a day where I can do whatever I want, although, I don’t always get these opportunities to do things off base so maybe I should jump on it, but I like to sleep in and it is a day off and well I don’t know.  I play out all the pros and cons.  Sometimes this can be a great help when really weighing in on decisions, but other times I end up torn between the choices and pondering for a while.

Then on the other hand, I make a decision and that’s that.  There’s no question.  I will follow through and there’s no wavering.  Before I started running yesterday, I decided to run a 10k.  So I did.  I decide to climb a rock.  So I do.  No matter the cost, the time, the sacrifice, I follow through with the decision.

I live in this juxtaposition of knowing exactly what I want and yet seeing all the implications of all the potential choices.  Yet, as I’ve written about before.  I’m in a time of waiting.  I would much rather go find all the choices and play out the scenarios in my head so I can at least be torn over them and then decide.  Instead, I trust, I rest, I ask, I set my eyes, I wait.

Talent

“If your career path doesn’t seems to match your heart’s longing, it may be you have a skill that doesn’t match your passion.  You were good at something, so it seemed obvious that is what you should do.” p.60

Throughout my life, I assumed that whatever I performed well equated to something that I should do.  Furthermore, if I did not do something well then I needed to spend extra time on that in order to get better.  For example, I can write e-mails no problem.  I can do math no problem.  But, do they give me energy? Do they engage my passions? Am I fueled and fulfilled by these activities? Usually, not.  I’m in the process of redefining my definition of “what I should do.”

“–what are you to embrace? This is a question of passion and compassion.” p. 27

“When you don’t know what’s really important, you treat everything the same.” p. 78

What are my non-negotiables? Am I making decisions based on these?

“If you want to reinvent yourself, you have to know who are you and who you long to be and not violate that on the journey.” p. 82

“When you live a life of love, you are not bound to who are you but to who you will become.” 85

I am on a journey moving away from who I used to be and straining toward who I want to become.

“If you don’t lock into the life God has called you to live, you will find yourself pulled and torn by everyone else’s desire and expectation for your life.” 137

“If you haven’t defined who you are at the core, you will find yourself making choices that lead you down a path you would never have chosen if you could have thought more clearly.” p. 145

Leading Yourself

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my calling sure?
2. Is my vision clear?
3. Is my passion burning hot?
4. Is my character fully submitted to Christ?
5. Is my pride subdued or is my ego messing with it?
6. Are my fears at bay? Or do I have anxiety?
7. Is my psychological baggage affecting the way I make decisions?
8. Are my ears open to the voice of God?
9. Is my pace sustainable?
10. Is my heart for God increasing or decreasing?

ht: Bill Hybels

“The Club”

When I start a sport, I want to be part of “the club.”  People in the club not only look the part, but really know what they’re doing from equipment to training to clothing.  Part of being in “the club” consists of working hard and striving to be the best at the sport.  This drives me on like none other.  I want to bike fast, swim fast, swing well, and put in the hours to do so.  Now with many sports multiple clubs form to accommodate the different levels.  For example, in biking one finds the recreational bikers, the commuters, the cyclists, the triathletes, ect.  (FYI: I made up these “titles” on the fly).  Each “club” has different expectations, a different look, and a different purpose.  Since I’m a crazed sports addict, I usually prefer the competitive, hardcore, intense “club.”  I want to jump right into all the aspects of the hardcore, intense “club” in whatever sport I’m participating.  Hence why I invested in a sweet awesome bike (I rode it tonight and am still in love…maybe it needs a name? suggestions?).  I also doled out the cash for sweet awesome dorky bike shorts and a jersey that matches my bike.  All of this to say that I felt like part of “the club” tonight.  While I was biking along praising the Lord for the gorgeous night and the ways He’s worked in my life recently, the other “hardcore” intense bikers with their padded shorts nodded and gave me the knowing look–the look that says, “Sweet. You’re a cyclist too.”  I ate it up.  The camaraderie and encouragement that comes from these moments empowers me to pedal harder, go farther and find more joy as well as continue to excel at the sport and learn more so that I can become an expert.  In the same way, when I interact and see other Christians, I am propelled to crack open my Bible, dive into prayer, and fight the good fight.  I heard a testimony tonight that gave me renewed encouragement and drive to live every aspect of my life with passion for God including the times spent on the road while wearing the awesome dorky bike pants.

Oh, the Opportunities!

Here’s the post: Please Don’t Shoot!! I’ll Write I’ll Write

Here’s the question: What would you want to do in life if YOU HAD to do something different than you are doing now?

Here’s the answer: Writer, baker–minus the early hours,go to seminary and then be a counselor, church planter/missionary wife, owner of a ceramics studio, bookstore owner, personal trainer, professional athlete. (yeah…I wanted to add some more!)

So Many Thoughts

Wow, I feel like my head has been turned upside down and is ready to burst with all the thoughts I have running through it.  Thank-you Carrie.  Yikes.  I have so many blog topics that I want to run with and embrace but now I’m overwhelmed to the point where I don’t know how to pick!  So, I’m going to give you a snapshot and then decide later (aka tomorrow or later this week) which topics I want to pursue further with the written word 😉

Me: “How do I live a life with purpose, with meaning, with passion?  Does this mean that I have to change jobs? What if I have to move? Will I give up the comforts I’ve embraced to chase after Jesus?  Wait a minute…do I even know how to follow Him, yet alone where He’s leading me!?”

“Big ideas…am I thinking too small?”

“Am I an F or a T? Who knows…but personality types sure are interesting”

“I love the deep, searching talks yet so often I leave wondering where to begin and what I need to do.  I want to change so many things and figure out things, but…”

“Alright, life…what are we waiting for?  I don’t want to live in a ‘when this happens’ life begins kind of state.  I want to live life now and embrace my current situation-the good, the bad, all of it.  Help me let go of the ‘when I get married or when I have money’ ideas.”

“I’m waiting for someone with passion.  I’m not settling.”

“I screwed up. I’m sorry.  I sinned and now what am I going to do about it?”

“I got hurt. So what? Jesus was betrayed–he didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I.”

Celebration Pancakes!

I officially have signed on the dotted line, paid the deposit and received a set of keys!  Beginning Tuesday, I can start moving my stuff in 🙂   We had our first official “Family Dinner” at Amy’s after we got the keys and of course it was breakfast! Yum.  I love breakfast food and love pancakes with peanut butter even more.

Unfortunately, the camping trip was cancelled due to rain; however, we made the best of the situation by having a movie night and then walking around Lake Calhoun and Lake Harriet today.  Lots of fun!  Walking and talking and yummy food.  Plus, we watched “Into the Wild”–love it!!  I’m already ready to watch the movie again, that’s how much I liked it.

Memorable quotes from the movie and book (I REALLY want to read the book now!):

“When you forgive, you love.  And when you love, God’s light shines upon you.” -Mr. Franz

“When you want something in life, you just gotta reach out and grab it.” -Christopher

“Happiness is only real when shared.” -Christopher

“You don’t need human relationships to be happy.  God has placed it all around us.” -Christopher

“It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want something badly enough, it is your God-given right to have it…I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic.  I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life.  In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing.  But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams.  And I lived to tell my tale.” -Jon Krakauer

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.  The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure.  The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon for each day to have a new and different sun.” -Christopher