the icee that you can’t get open…

I’m the first grader with a juice icee in my hands.  Now, my Papa has already asked me if He could open it for me and reminded me to “not go out in haste.”  But…I see that the little side says, “tear here.” So, of course, I try to tear it and open it.  I try to do it by myself and make things work out how I think they should go.

After a few failures and a painful wound on my hand from trying to work it out, I give up.  I finally lift my head and realize instead of disappointment He is SO excited that I’ve turned back to Him to let Him work it out.  With a lot of hope and a smile I can’t keep back, I see that He is opening the icee.  I gleefully grab the deliciousness back and start to taste of its awesome, amazing goodness.

Only to realize that…wait. I can’t push the icee up all the way.  Part of the wrapper is still stubbornly holding together.  This good gift seemingly is taken away and with it goes my excitement, joy, and hope.  Instead of realizing that oh hey there’s just more work to be done in me and in this good gift, I stubbornly hold tightly to it and pout about how this sure isn’t the life I want.  I didn’t want a taste and then a rude snatching away.  I didn’t want a gift that hurt me.  I half try to throw the icee on the table because I don’t even know if I want it anymore. I don’t know if I even want to hope for it anymore.  But it sits there. Staring at me, taunting me.  Not to mention that it sure seems everywhere I look the other kids are happily eating their icees.  I throw my little fit and get mad that He would do this to me.

He listens. He catches my tears. He asks for the icee back and eventually…I’m good at throwing fits….I throw my hands up in the air and let go of the icee exlaiming, “Okay, I trust you. Whether I get that icee or I get cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory or I get oreos or I get water. I don’t deserve anything and even the air I breathe is a gift.  I trust that you know what I need, when I need it, and that You are for me. You give only good gifts and You give abundantly.  Plus, You know the perfect timing. But, please, help me keep giving it back when I try to pick it up again…”

With my hands empty of nothing but Him, I find it’s a little easier to receive, to hope, to embrace my place, to smile even in the rain…

Next time…I just need to let go a little sooner.

Letting Go of Worry

Even though this post was written back in February, I find it still changing how I see things.  I didn’t even comment on it but it touched my heart and changed how I saw worry and still does….

I’ve gathered these stones and need to come to the water’s edge to lay them down.  I throw them far far away into the water.  Though, oftentimes I find them back in my hands only to be let go again. A continual letting go and letting God.

fear.insecurity.africa.shame.guilt.sin.compliments.idols.screwingup.

relationships.anger.jealousy.impatience.mybaby.futurebabies.futurehusband.

thefuture.control.greed.money.friendships.rejection.hurt.offense.

myself.

Last night, I went for a run and wandered my way down to my own water’s edge. I picked up a few rocks and threw them far. I watched them splash and felt my heart take a deep breath.  I listened to what He’s done for me. I poured out my heart before Him and rested in trusting Him. I came to my room to write it down.  To write down the prayers and keep on letting go. To tuck them away in a little prayer box and know that He hears, He sees, He knows me. I’m sure these are things I’ll have to keep on letting go because after all He did say…

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  -Luke 9:23

 

have your way

i’ll trust you, god, with where i am

and believe that you’ll have your way

remind me that you take broken things and turn them into beautiful

Happy Valentine’s Day!

You and me. barefoot.

a love story in the works

walking together.

Lesson of the Day

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m learning and re-learning things.  Part of this includes wrestling with how things will look and seeking guidance from Him and others.  Today, turned out to be one of those days where I learned a bit more and made the lesson a little more tangible, real, and sink in.  Since I’m into those dictionary definitions lately, we’ll start there:

let go: relinquish one’s grip, allow to move, stop holding onto

To go along with this definition, there’s this little handy story to go along with it.  I have a watch that I decide to give to you.  I give the watch to you and put it on your wrist.  Except, I decide I want to look at the time so I take it back and then put it back on your wrist.  Or maybe I just hold onto the watch while it’s on your wrist or keep touching the watch while you’re wearing it.  Awkward, I know!  Basically, if I keep doing this then I haven’t really given you the watch.  We’re more sharing the watch or I’m trying really hard to get the watch back.  So, if I want to “let go” of the watch, I must actually give it up and not peek at it or take it back for a few minutes, for a second or for any amount of time.

The same thing is true with the things that we lay down at the cross for Jesus to take care of for us.  We have to trust Him with the valuable item and let Him have it completely.  He gets to do whatever He wants with that watch whether He changes it into something else or gives it to someone else or even lets us have it back some day.  We can’t hold onto the watch or try to keep tabs on what He’s doing in and for the watch.  At this time, for me, this tangibly means that I have to let go of communicating, checking blogs, asking others, and I need to genuinely and continually trust Jesus with the whole situation and lay it at the cross (He even gave me a physical reminder by leaving the outline of my cross necklace thanks to some happy sunshine).  Laying it down and actually letting go is hard, but once again worth it in the end because then I’m not focused on what I’ve “let go” at all.  I only fix my eyes on Jesus who can give me whatever He wants in whatever timing He likes.

Waiting

Wait for the Lord,

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord

Psalm 27:14

I make plans. I conjure up ideas in my head about what I want to do today, tomorrow, five years from now. I am flexible, yes, but I still make plans and roll with the changes as they come.  I play out the what-if game in my head and toy with all sorts of ideas.  Yet, right now, I find myself in a place that takes me out of my comfort zone.  I am learning to wait.  I am learning to let go of my plans to seek Him.  I am waiting for guidance. I am digging deep and holding His hand.  I am learning to love the uncertainty. I am learning to trust all over again. I am terrified yet my heart is happy.  I am taking a step out onto the water. I am ready for a little excitement, adventure, and risk.

God’s Will–I want Direction and I want it now! :)

I listened to Andy Stanley’s podcast about God’s Will today and found myself left with a heap of questions.  Retrospective thinking brings up even more questions!  So here are some of my notes and quotes from the podcast:

• God does not give us direction so that we can take it into consideration
• Do I only want to trust Him with part of my heart so that I can keep my options open in case I don’t like His so much?
• “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Personal thoughts:

• I weigh option after option and look at the issue from all sides.  Giving up control is a big stumbling block for me.  I like big-picture plans.  I can be flexible, but I don’t like change.
• I lean on my own finances, abilities, intelligence, and experience more often than not.
• Am I ready to acknowledge Him in all ways and let go of my own understanding? I pray that my heart would be willing.
• Are God’s plans just taken “into consideration” in my life or are they the only way?

Sorry for the questions over thoughts, but here’s to wrestling through the written word.  Blog readers beware.  I’m hoping to listen to Part 2 of the series tomorrow.  More thoughts and questions, I’m sure, to come!

I’m Letting Go

Go here and listen. This song makes me happy 🙂  I heard it on the radio today. 

This song brings me back to November.

I love singing all the parts in this song (“a broken heart can’t be that bad…when it’s through, it’s through”–name that song!).

” God, I feel like hell tonight” = fave line in this song.

I’m waiting to say this.

My pump up song.

I can’t help but smile when I listen to this. Definitely a “most played” and happy summer song.

I’m waiting to play this again too!

I want to be that girl <><

One BIG Step Forward

Amazing. I am literally amazed and astounded at events that unfolded tonight.  On such a hard day, I took a huge step forward.  Not gonna lie, I’m surprised at how far I’ve come in a month.