Learning to Deal with Disappointment

How you learn to manage your disappointments in your life will determine your destiny.

-Christine Caine

Disappointments come all around us in life.  They start coming even when we’re little.  When the friend chooses someone else to share her cookie with that day or when we don’t get to go on a class trip or when we miss out on getting the most amazing new toy ever.  Sometimes we’ll pout and throw our fits.  Other times we’ll get mean and say some angry words because at the core, we’re hurt.

 Then we get a little older and well, the disappointments don’t stop coming.  The little disappointments are still there like missing out on getting a cute new Starbucks mug because they sold out or missing going to a store because it closed or someone else getting what we wanted.  “Bigger” things too can crush our fragile hearts like not getting picked for a job or watching a ministry close down or not being able to get pregnant or watching our plans change.  That’s when we might simply cry because we had a plan and now it’s going all wrong.  We’d prayed and prayed and things weren’t supposed to turn out this way.

I started writing this post on December 12, 2011.  I had no clue on that day what God would do in my life and how different everything would be just a year later.  There’s the acknowledgement that if some of my disappointments hadn’t come, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  Yet, there’s also the acknowledgement that those disappointments were exactly that. A disappointment.  Something to feel, grieve, and walk out.  Even when good is worked out of a situation, it can still hurt.

But that’s where Christine Cain ever so convictingly reminds us that how we handle those disappointments will determine our destiny.  Will we stay in our hurt and in turn hurt those around us?  Will we thank and worship God even so?  Will we hold grudges and reject others because of our jealousy or hurt?  Will we choose faith or fear? How will we handle our disappointments?

Lord, I haven’t always handled my disappointments with grace and love….help me, teach me, and be with me as the disappointments keep coming so that I can handle them in a healthy, godly way that draws me closer to You.

Saying No to say Yes

Truth is…I don’t like saying no to people…

I don’t like not being able to do certain things…

I don’t like knowing that because I struggle…because my flesh likes to take over…

that to walk as He calls me to… I must say no in order to say YES to God

Because, for me, the bigger truth is…I want to say YES to God way more than I want to say yes to people.

I don’t want to let a seemingly “little” yes get in the way…

That’s how it starts…the little yes to the flesh leading to a bigger yes leading to finding myself in a hole…

But, see, I am OUT of that hole.  And I am staying OUT.

The old is GONE. FOREVER.

Oh, but I won’t be naive in knowing that I can choose to crawl right back into that hole so instead I fix my eyes on Jesus and hear…

God saying, “What are you talking about?” because my SIN, my UGLY, is forgiven…is as far as the east is from the west and…

He made me a new creation…with a new heart…

A heart that is saying a big resounding YES to God

A heart that is being guarded from that hole by my Protector, my Provider

and Oh, I must have more of Him

So, I press on to know Him.

To know His voice and to follow Him…

To His immeasurably more than all that I can ask or imagine.

And, yeah…it might probably will look different than my little head imagines

Yeah…that might hurt…that might ache…that might cause some tears to fall…

But I know that He’s working ALL my things together for good.

I believe and stand on the promise that He will come through.

That He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Because you know what, He lets me know, “My delight is in you”

So, I’ve laid down my UGLY at the altar.

He’s calling for a living sacrifice.

A sacrifice…that costs but reminds me…

Jesus is better.

Yeah. I confess…I desire to be married.

Yeah, I confess that that desire in my own hands instead of His lead me to my hole…

to my sin, to my UGLY

So, He’s called me to lay that desire down on the altar as a living sacrifice

and for this next season I will heed His call and stay single by saying no…

So, I stand still and w…a…i…t… to see what He will do

Because the attention I get from Almighty Jesus is better and I’m going to…

run to Him.

run to Him.

run to Him.

And keep saying no…so that I can say YES to Him.

Songs and Lyrics for Leaving “Home”

Why are you crying…let me lift up your face… just don’t turn away. To where will you go, child, tell me where will you run.  Cause I’ll be by your side wherever you falling, dead of night whenever you calling, please don’t fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you.

You may find me in the midnight, falling down upon my knees, riding out another storm praying for some peace even when I feel alone Jesus this I know You will never leave me, you will always be the one who is holding onto me…i will not give into fear cause lord i know you’re here.  though my heart is breaking…I’m standing strong because I believe you have promised me You’ll never leave.

love is here, love is now

If there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.  Cause I’m on my knees begging You to turn to me. I’m on my knees Father will you run to me.  One tear in the driving rain. One voice in a sea of pain. Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life that’s all I have. Right now I can barely stand. If you’re everything You say you are would you come close and hold my heart. So many questions without answers Your promises remain. I can’t see, but I’ll take my chances to hear you call my name.

ht: Sidewalk Prophets “These Simple Truths” album and Tenth Avenue North “Over and Underneath” ablum

9000 miles

I’ve read before that home will always be the place for which you feel the deepest affection for, no matter where you are.  I’m feeling this so much right now.  I may be in the town I grew up and the place that much of my family lives.  But, home seems so far away.  9000 miles feels so far, but hearing Lindo’s voice this morning makes everything seem a little closer.  I never knew I could love/hurt so much by being away from ‘home.’  When I look at the picture of Lindo and I above, I see home.  I love what it portrays: love, happiness, joy, fullness, fun, patience, gentleness, and most of all feeling at home.  I say it over and over, but here I’ll say it again and again: God is BIG.  He answers my prayers. He listens to me. He holds my heart when it’s breaking. He wipes my tears for the millionth time.  He gives me passion. He fills me up with His love.  He gives me perfect gifts.  He gives me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. Above all, He loves me.

I will rejoice in the day that the Lord has made.  I rejoice that even when I’m feeling far away from home, He gave me a piece of home by letting me hear the voice a little boy who is 9000 miles away.

I feel like a little kid…

Why?  Because my legs are completely scratched!  They look like I played hard outside and didn’t care if I got hurt, which is true in part.  Yet, in part, I merely like climbing mountains that happen to have bushes, grass, and random other things that scratch.  At least they will heal.  I climbed up the backside of Everest today and forged my way through lots of brambles and mini trees.  I loved finding a new paths and going at my own pace.  The feeling of reaching the top of the mountain makes all the scratches, stumbles, and hard work worth while.

My Heart Aches

Little ones

I got hit by a car!

Wow. I still can’t get over it….I got hit by a car.  The concept seems to surreal to really have happened.  So, I decided that the weather was gorgeous and since no one would play tennis or golf with me that I would go for a little bike ride.  Bad idea.  Riding along and see this odd red car looking like it is going to make a u turn in the road.  It does and runs right alongside me and bam I’m on the ground.  Of course my head doesn’t move fast enough to unclick my feet from the pedals or do anything other than slam on the brakes.  Then the odd feeling of oh crap I just got hit by a car I should be bawling, but then the self-talk of I’m okay everything’s fine.  I got up and shook it off. Talked with the driver, told him that the “dirt treated me well” and forced myself to get back on the bike with just a few scrapes.  So there’s my getting hit by a car story. Enjoy. It’s rough and unedited, but so was getting hit.

Best Friends

I remember as a little girl going the whole nine yards with the “best friend” frenzy. From necklaces, to bracelets to matching things, we flaunted the “best friend” status. Unfortunately, in those years sometimes people get left out and hurt by the whole “best friend” mania. Plus, the manufacturing companies never made life easy by only allowing a girl one best friend. Although, if we want to go technical, there should only be one “best”, right? Maybe we just need different types of “best” because that’s what the distinction comes down to sometimes. A best friend to talk with, a best friend to do sports with, a best friend to go dancing with, ect.

Last night, I really needed one of my “best friends.” I tried some of the other “bests” and they filled their spots wonderfully, but not quite what I wanted/needed. I needed that person to talk some sense into my negative, messed up head and to speak light and truth into the darkness with all encompassing love. I fell asleep with tear stained cheeks feeling a bit defeated. Yet come morning, my “best friend” spoke the healing words I needed. I am so thankful to have such amazing people in life. I am so glad that I have all sorts of “bests” to walk with me through the different struggles and triumphs. I am so thankful to have enough relationships that go beyond the proximity and affinity type (those are important too, but in a different way!). So, here’s to all the “bests” in life who let us lay it all down, drop anything to get there for us, and help us rise into the light at the end of the fight 🙂

Just lay it all down, put your face into my neck and let it fall out

I know, I know, I know, I knew before you got home

This world you’re in now, it doesn’t have to be alone

I’ll get there somehow

Cause I know, I know, I know

When even springtime feels cold

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see

So we can both be there and we can both share the dark

And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds

And into the light at the end of the fight…

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it’s all magnified

The highs will make you fly but the lows make you want to die

And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing

So I know I know I know, it’s easier to let go

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,

So we can both be there and we can both share the dark

And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds

And into the light at the end of the fight…

…and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds

and into the light…at the end of the fight

“Nightminds” by Missy Higgins

Pondering…

Pros

1. I like blogging
2. I like writing and expressing myself through words.
3. I love having a written record of events, thoughts and random things even if I only look back on it once or never do.
4. I enjoy seeing how many people visit my blog and sometimes leave comments
5. I hope that my words sometimes encourage, provide hope, invoke thinking, provide insight, are “real” and relatable to the people that read my blog
   • I like reading some blogs myself and I have been impacted by their words–even if I’m only a “lurker” and don’t always comment

Cons

1. I don’t know my audience
   • I don’t know how to engage authentic, open discussion and comments without knowing my audience
2. I’m not sure if blogging is a wise use of my time
3. Sometimes I look at the “stats” too often or want more comments…then I wonder why am I blogging.
   • EDIT: I realized that these two thoughts were not supposed to really flow together.  I meant this more of a “I don’t want to blog for the stats.  I want to blog for other reasons.  I want to have reasons for why I am blogging.” I did NOT intend it to come across as “If I don’t get high enough stats then why am I even blogging.”  Not sure if this is any clearer, but oh well.
4. I don’t really have a “purpose” to blog or a theme
   • The closest I have to a purpose is the hope that someone, somewhere might be positively affected by my words
5. I see value in the personal, honest posts yet I don’t want my blog to be a place to “vent” or “gossip” or anything related
6. I fear that I may have hurt or will hurt others who read my blog with my words–I don’t want to have a hidden agenda or use this space in an unkind way

“Does Anybody Hear Her”-Casting Crowns

 She is running

A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

She is trying

But the canyon’s ever widening

She is searching

For a hero to ride in  and save the day

And in walks in her prince charming

And he knows just what to say

And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her?  Does anybody see?

Does anybody even know she’s going down today?