taste of love

I arrive what feels late now. Muttering under my breath over and over the only prayer I can put together: Help, God.

Standing alone feels vulnerable. I feel exposed.

With just enough strength, I breathe deep and walk in the door.

He’s holding my left hand and I feel Him squeeze tight. Maybe that’s just in my head, but either way, I know He’s there walking with me.  He promised me. He’s the only one who has said He’ll never let me go, never leave or forsake.  I cling to those promises even though everything in me tears at them with too many experiences of empty promises and of being left.  I let Him be my family.

The clattering of voices and people mesh into a tapestry that I watch rather than engage.  In the blur of moments, I am asked and then find myself with a baby in my arms.  I did happen to say earlier that I am always willing to hold babies.

I drink in the feelings of how tiny fingers move together.  I notice the rhythm of breath and the way wispy hair brushes against my face.  I revel in the way her head rests on my chest quietly.

I exhale a prayer thanking Him for the breath of heaven in my arms and the answer to prayers she is.  I rest knowing she is placed in a family who loves her and loves Him.

Soft, silent tears fall down my face.  She feels like Zandile.  I’m holding her like I held Lerato.  My prayers turn to trusts and hopes.  Trust that He has a home for Zandile.  Trust that He provides all Lerato needs.  Hopes that they both will know Him.

With my arms and heart full, I taste the hard love.  I am overwhelmed by the love that gave it all for us in such a brutal way.  I sing a sweet Hallelujah mingled with tears.  He gets the mix of emotions.

I breathe deep in the moment to taste all parts of His love.

I remember the love as I settle in for the wait that comes with Saturday.  A waiting for a victory already won.  A reminder to press on toward the joy set before us.

He is the joy.

He is the love.

He is holding my hand

while I wait.

fierce

i’m fighting. my heart is weary, but my Shield is here.

when i find my heart wanting to say i’m scared….i remember and say “for god has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

ALL things

Here’s a little fun game to play and something to ponder that I found over here at “Path from the Head to the Heart” (oh…and I LOVE that blog title because that’s totally the journey I’m continuing to go on!):

If you had to sum up your life to this point in 6 words, what would they be?

For me….This was hard to come up with! I had so many thoughts, but here’s what I’m thinking for right now:

Working all things out for good.

I feel like a little kid…

Why?  Because my legs are completely scratched!  They look like I played hard outside and didn’t care if I got hurt, which is true in part.  Yet, in part, I merely like climbing mountains that happen to have bushes, grass, and random other things that scratch.  At least they will heal.  I climbed up the backside of Everest today and forged my way through lots of brambles and mini trees.  I loved finding a new paths and going at my own pace.  The feeling of reaching the top of the mountain makes all the scratches, stumbles, and hard work worth while.

“Hit It”

I love this post about waterskiing/wakeboarding and the neccessity of taking all the tips and help, but eventually yelling “hit it” so that you can finally go for the ride.  Too often, I can find myself talking, talking and talking about dreaming big, change, or different options, but in the end I still need to yell “hit it” before I miss the chance.  Like with any watersport, I may fall.  I may get dragged.  I may hit the water really hard.  Yet, the moment of triumph when I finally get up and stay up then I can breathe and enjoy the ride. Well, at least until some bumps come along or the boat turns and then you need to concentrate a little more. Though, once again staying up and persevering throughout the bumps, dragging, and obstacles makes the ride worthwhile.   So, don’t forget to say “hit it!”

Saying “No”

I have a hard time saying “no.”

“Don’t say yes just because it’s difficult to say no. If you don’t know who you are and who you’re not, you’ll probably say yes when you should say no. Why? Because you’ll focus on the wrong thing. You’ll focus on the position instead of your calling.”

“But it brought me back to ground zero: I want to be dead-center in the will of God. That is the only position that counts. That is the place of blessing. That is where God can use us most.”

I have a hard time knowing I am dead-center in the will of God, yet that is where my heart wants to be all the time.

ht: Mark Batterson

Bonhoeffer on Community

“Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ.”

“A Christian needs others because of Jesus.”

“Christians need other Christians to speak God’s word to them.”

“And that also clarifies the goal of all Christian community: they meet one another as bringers of the message of salvation.  As such, God permits them to meet together and gives them community. Their fellowship is founded solely upon Jesus.”

“Now Christians can live with one another in peace; they can love and serve one another; they can become one.  But they can continue to do so only by way of Jesus Christ are we one, only through him are we bound together.”

“The more genuine and the deeper our community becomes, the more will everything else between us recede, the more clearly and purely will Jesus Christ and his work become the one and only thing that is vital between us.”

–Community is tough.  Honest, open, vulnerable, forgiving community. Community takes time to build and both parties wanting to invest in the community.  Intentional community is hard to find.  Let alone finding people who are seeking and pursuing intentional community. Yet balancing community with not becoming too inward focused and exclusive makes it even harder.  I’m still struggling through how community plays itself out in my life and where and how I can be intentional about it and where I need to let go. I am thankful (in the spirit of thanksgiving that was just a few days ago) for the pockets of community that I do have.–

Options Galore

I am horrible at making concrete, set, firm decisions.  I have a love/hate relationship with options and choices.  I love examining them, processing, thinking through, weighing out the pros and cons, ect.  Yet the more options I have the harder and longer I take in making a decision!  Plus, I defend and criticize every side, every angle, every outcome.  I prefer discussing each side thoroughly than making a decision.

My thoughts lately have turned to graduate school/seminary.  This turns into a litany of ratings, schools, programs, likes, desires, requirements.  Do I do the SemPM program at Bethel? Or would I rather get a Masters of Counseling?  Or what about Marriage and Family Counseling from Bethel Sem.? What about writing? Or maybe I want to go to Northwestern for their M.A.T.s program?  Or a teaching license?  Better yet, what about law school or political science or history? Do I apply now or wait a year? Who do I use as my references and what about my letters of intent?

You get the picture.  The questions go on and on 🙂 I’ll let you know if I ever make a decision!