this one’s for me. 2 years…i didn’t know.

*this one’s for me. because this blog has marked the spots on this journey (i wrote of when i first heard of africa here, i wrote of going to africa, i wrote of my time there, and so here’s another)…and it’s a pouring out my heart without much editing. so here i am. marking the spot. because there’s love to be seen especially in the tears and mismatched, jumbled heart mess. 

because love knows no bounds.

seems like just yesterday and yet an excruciatingly long yesterday that i boarded a plane wearing my africa shirt with tears streaming down my face.

sitting next to my roomie playing my ipod trying to desperately ask god to “hold my heart” per the song by tenth avenue north of course.

so many things that i didn’t know yet on that plane ride….

i didn’t know the “plan” but my plan was to be back on african soil as soon as God said “Go!”

which in my head obviously meant fast…

i didn’t know yet how much 9000 miles would tear my heart in two.

i didn’t know that i’d still be crying more often than not.

i didn’t know that i’d go through the steps to go back, get excited and accepted on staff, and then watch everything fall

i didn’t know all the grieving i had to do yet about so much and still have to do

i didn’t know yet how to sit in the pain

i didn’t know that i could pray so much.

i didn’t know just how vulnerable it really is to keep asking for the same thing.

i didn’t know how his family would ask every time i called when i was coming back and i didn’t know how hard it would be to say, “I don’t know…when God says so…I’m praying. Ke a o rata.”

i didn’t know how much i’d miss being called lerato or kay-tee.

i didn’t know how hard i’d learn to fight to keep saying haibo and eish and shame…just for a taste of home.

i didn’t know that i’d be desperate to learn how to send so much love across the ocean to a now seven year old who probably wouldn’t fit on my shoulders anymore…

i didn’t know i’d only love him more each and every day

i didn’t know how hard it would be trust people

i didn’t know how hard i would learn to wrestle with God

so. so. much i didn’t know. so much my heart couldn’t have handled knowing.

so much more that i didn’t know that goes beyond this list. so much pondered away in my heart.

yet here i sit with tears of much love that doesn’t seem to know any bounds.

a homesickness that longs for heaven. and africa. and a hug from my little man.

and i can’t help but think i’m so glad i at least got a taste of this love this side of heaven. even if it wrecks my face with tears. at least it says i still care. i still love. i still can say
“and maybe. just maybe. though, i don’t deserve it one bit. maybe. god will bless me with another taste of africa. someday. somehow. and if not…He’s still God and He’s still good.”

per Job: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the Lord.”

6 thoughts on “this one’s for me. 2 years…i didn’t know.

  1. Katy…my heart hurts with you. Really. What a hard road to walk. Thankful for your faithfully asking the same thing, trusting Him to take you back home. I’ve walked (am walking) this same road. Three years for me. And I never guessed what the separation would do. May HE be glorified through this. Hold on, friend.

    • thanks for getting it friend and for the encouragement along the way. and i’m SO excited for you to get back there and for all that He’s going to do especially with your faithfulness in waiting well.

  2. I wanted to cry as I read your words…the strong emotions here…I have felt too.


    Oh dear heart, when the questions are LOUDER than the ANSWERS, I pray His grace will rise to meet you, to wrap you in His arms, and to know that His love holds no bounds, miles are no obstacle, and waiting is not accidental, albeit FRUSTRATING!!

    I love you, sweet woman of the Father.

    “You never truly leave a place you love. You take a part of yourself with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.”

    • i love/hate that you get it and that you’ve felt it because while i see the good, i can’t say i’d wish it on anyone. waiting is not accidental….so very, very true. heavy with gratitude for the prayer(s) as well. you definitely inspire me, friend.

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