grief

This video of Ian Cron. I get.

Puddles of grief.

For most of my life I’ve been running away from these triggers, stories, moments…from this pain.

Ascribing the tears and running straight into these issues.  That’s the hard work.

And things that matter to me are issues even if I don’t want them to be issues (more often than not I don’t want to have any “issues”)

Owning my story in its fullness requires that I spend time sitting in the pain.

I am by far a “doer.” I problem solve, analyze, figure things out.  Sitting, being, enjoying….so much harder.

Wholeness takes work.  The hard work of sitting in the pain rather than running.

But, it’s worth it.  I catch glimpses of integrity and wholeness and just being me….and oh how my heart sings.  I long for that more often.  So, I’m choosing to sit in some of my grief today.

Do you have a hard time sitting in your pain? 

breaking

ouch

please stop

this hurts

i hurt

the tears

keep falling

i’m breaking

hearts

don’t break even

*this post is from my drafts hidden away from writing done months ago and yet i think there’s some raw in it that i just love and can’t help but leave it exactly like it is. i’d love for you to take a moment to jot down what comes out of your heart concerning the areas of pain.  what words tumble out when you actually let yourself feel the pain.

pain

In a fallen world with broken people, pain abounds.  From the biting comment that hurts our feelings to the deep betrayal, we can’t seem to escape the effects of pain.  I’ve known my fair share of pain.  By no means am I an expert on pain nor am I claiming the most painful life award.  Far from it!  Countless testimonies astound me at the horrific things that happen in this world and the pain that accompanies.  Though, from my experience, we all deal with pain on some level.  Plus, what matters to us matters to God.  Sometimes a seemingly insignificant event can evoke a host of pain.  Pain permeates all of our stories and is seen throughout the Bible too.

So, I’m throwing the red bows and formulas out the window and I’m reminding us all to refrain from playing the comparison game.  We’re all broken and imperfect people.  All of that to say that this week I’m delving into a bit of pain.  I want to a do a mini series of just three posts related to pain.  I’d love for you to join along and even link-up if you’d like with your own thoughts.

To kick start us here are a few questions for you to answer and ponder:

How do you define pain? 

How do you deal with pain? 

saturday love

these stats astounded me. guess i’m in the minority who totally owns fear, doubt, and jealousy. check, check, check. so much more that could go into this.

i agree…i want a real, live man not just someone in my dreams. someone to come home to and do life together. you know that i could use somebody like you.

which leads me back to this post and about how i’m waiting….lately, i’m totally owning the i’m doing more crying than waiting well but then i think in part that’s right where god wants me…crying until i finally give in and break and LET GOd work.

this post hit my heart strings.

good-bye formulas and red-bows….

p.s. i so completely long for heaven.

what has your heart singing or crying or saying amen to this week? 

5 Minute Friday: Older

Older…

At first glance, so many ways to take this little prompt.  Though, I must confess that Joy’s comment about how her eggs start drying up at 26 popped into my mind right away.  I laugh a little.  Well, mostly because I love Joy’s vlogs and her dog melts my heart.  I figure since I’m getting older, I better get on getting that big fluffy dog to sleep with me and take up most of my bed because then maybe the bed won’t feel as big.  Plus, I so want a dog to run with me.

Either way.  Back on track….older.  I love older love. I love seeing the way people know each other deeply and love fiercely even so they know all the little things.  Sometimes those little things could annoy you like crazy, but that’s the thing about love.  Love flourishes as it gets older.  I don’t think I’ve ever set out to love someone just for a little time.  I love long and hard.  As Myers-Briggs likes to tell me, I keep my friends close and the few that I let into my world hold a place in my heart.

Yet, you know, this sounds silly, but I can’t get a thought out of my head.  I once heard someone talking about weddings and getting older and seasons and how they were excited for a friend who finally got to enter the married season but that they weren’t all that excited about the actual wedding since they were all past that season.  And see, there’s a lovely little book called The New Eve that pulls out the reminder that we are created for seasons of life.  Which brings me full circle to the lovely comment above.  Sometimes I’d much rather stop the seasons and curl up to….

STOP

Whelp…there goes five minutes…so much left unsaid and so many thoughts to explore…another day or later today =)

Here’s the link for Joy’s vlog!

 

two weeks of prayers

Children quickly mimic and learn from others how to act in life.  Sometimes this proves to be a wonderful thing; other times, not so much.  When we find people we admire, we try to glean wisdom from them and their actions.  I find myself doing this often in this Christian life because I lack the direct connection.  I see the women in my church and am constantly catching myself wondering if that’s how this Christian life is walked out well (per checking it against Jesus of course…).  I definitely am so thankful for them and for the example they set because goodness knows that without the Christian women and men throughout my life, I’d be in a much different place. I likely would have taken much longer to learn that hey it’s totally okay to raise your hands during worship, to pray in tongues, to believe BIG, to confront, to have boundaries, and so much more.

Discipleship brings up the same notion.  The disciples followed the Rabbi hoping to emulate his life and reproduce his teachings.  While God created each of us uniquely, He still calls us all to imitate Christ.  The Bible shows us both examples to follow and also areas where we definitely want to steer clear from those paths (cue Lot’s wife!).  All that to say, I loved digging into seeing how people in the Bible (including Jesus!) prayed.  Here are some of my snippets that stuck out and some that carried across most of the prayers that I read while following this plan:

-Consistently said what God has done in the past–how He has been faithful before

-Reminders about who God is and what His character is like

-Stated what God will do

-Explained what has happened

-Moses knew that he wanted the presence of God more than he wanted to go to a specific place

-David sought counsel about what was in his heart

-Prayer warriors show up with a humble attitude and a healthy fear of the Lord

-Admitted their weaknesses to God

-Asked for specific requests

-Weren’t afraid to ask for help and to fast and pray

-Full of praises

-Gave thanks to God beforehand

-Honest cries even in the questioning of why there is a drawing near and a confident hope in what will be

-Prayers aren’t to be made to impress man

-Intimate relationship with Father

-Rejoiced even amidst the suffering

-Such trust that God would be faithful again as they had seen Him before

How has your life been changed by seeing an example to follow? Any insight gleaned from prayers to add to the list?

Monday Musings =)

1. What’s your favorite Bible version?

2. Do you like details or the big picture?

3. What color car would you want?

4. Do you speak in tongues/have you/thoughts?

5. Favorite worship song as a kid?

6. Do you have a OneWord for the year? How’s it going?

7. What’s your intentionality for this week?

Go at it! I love reading your responses! =)

Here are mine…

1. Amplified…love me some words.

2. Both, but sometimes/oftentimes the details overwhelm me. Give me the big picture and I’ll leap with lots of faith that all the details will work out.  Make me trust the little details without the big picture and whoa hi God that’s uncomfortable, but hello growth. As Myers-Briggs loves to tell me…I’m one of the ones who is a doer as well as a dreamer and who has vision and practicality. Sometimes I see it…if you know me, do you agree?

3. Green. I think so. Though, really, anything but tan. I really dislike tan and brown and blah colors. Give me something fun.

4. Yes…..lots of thoughts rolling around in my head and it’s been such a journey to get here. I didn’t even know people really spoke in tongues still until I went to Africa.  Ha, but then I totally thought raising your hand during worship was a bit “out there” then too. God loves journeys.

5. Missed most of these…I feel like I’m catching up now with Children’s Ministry =) Though, I do remember loving some of the songs where there were both guy and girl parts.

6. Trust! I really really disliked it for a long time, but now we’re beginning to become friends and I’m liking it a lot.  Still a long way to go =)

7. Be anchored by hope and meditate.

5 Minute Friday: New

Pour out your heart, let your fingers paint a picture, and leave the editing behind.  Fridays mean we get to play without pretense and soak up the free-flowing, raw elements of life that come without red bows.

The prompt…..

New

I scribble notes on a paper and add dates into my planner.  I realize I might need a new planner to add all the details of this new season.  Life ebbs and flows with hello’s and good-bye’s.  Seasons constantly remind me of the ever changing pathway of life.  The adjustment and transition oftentimes chokes out the safety, but therein lies the greatest opportunity for growth.  I find embarking on a new season that got tumbled into my lap by God.  The blessings consist of ones that I probably would have passed by on a normal day, but here I am with hands raised high in praise.  I hope that I learned a few lessons throughout this last season to carry with me into all of these areas of waiting.  If nothing else, change is constant.  While the waiting and the drudgery may seem to never end, they will.  Take heart, waters and streams come rushing down the mountain to fill you to overflowing.  God makes a way.  He will do it.

The time always seems to slip away before I’ve fully formulated my thoughts…but so much seems new lately.  I’m liking it.  This girl who loves adventure and challenges soaks up these seasons with movement.  Alas, no editing or adding today…another day. For now, it’s your turn. What pours out of your heart when it comes to new?

words

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 15:4 Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

James 3:5-10 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body….it corrupts the whole body….no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who have been made in God’s likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

Romans 14:19 So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.

Oh, Lord, I pray that my words would bring both glory and praise to You but also that they would build up everyone around me.  Place a guard over my mouth so that nothing that is useless or hurtful comes out of my mouth.  Examine my heart and keep working in my life so that the overflow of my heart would be a sweet, sweet melody to Your ears.  Forgive me for the times that I have let words carelessly slip out of my mouth.  Let me speak only things that would edify and build up the body.  Teach me to confront in a way that speaks truth with overpowering love.  Let me go first to my brother or sister.  Help me become so firmly planted in You that I can take the parts of criticism that You desire me to hear and to let go of the rest.  Let me be found trusting You to defend me rather than seeking my own defense.  Strengthen my belief in You.  Fear is cast out in Your presence.  Let me be found at Your feet always.  Your Word reminds me over and over that the tongue holds much power so let me use it for good.  

Do you struggle with making sure your words bring life? 

*after writing this I happened to read Lisa Bevere’s chapter on gossip in Out of Control and Loving it. so good…and love when god connects heart thoughts.

Here are some questions she suggests asking to guard yourself in regards to listening and even to rephrase to ask ourselves before we tell something:

Why are they telling me this?

Are they confessing their reaction to the offense or just repeating it to influence me?

Have they gone to the individual who offended them?

Are they asking me to go with them so restoration can take place?

Am I in a position to help them?

honor the story

“I want to sit quietly for a moment to honor the story you’ve just told.  It was sacred.” 

Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me by Ian Morgan

sometimes silence is better than words that overcompensate or devalue.

psst…i think maybe just maybe that i’ve learned once you’ve told your story and get used to telling it, that’s when god breaks in like the dawn and shakes things up in a way that helps you learn how to fall in love and be swept off your feet all over again…that’s when you start to enjoy God and enjoy life and love Him all the more and that’s when trust starts getting easier.