still…

i’m still in alexandria.

i’m still waiting to see my baby.

i’m still missing africa like whoa.

i still feel out of place

i’m still single.

i’m still missing and praying for my someday man and babies.

i’m still grieving things that didn’t happen… in the way and in the timing i wanted.

i still try to make a joke of it and then go cry behind my sunglasses

i’m still fighting the times when i find “i nearly left the real me on the shelf”

i’m still listening to this song

i’m still saying i do, still to god.

i’m still holding fast.

i’m still learning to choose trust

i’m still not anywhere near where i want to be

i’m still hurt

i’m still praying

i’m still in an i don’t know

i’m still caught in the in between

i’m still breathing

i’m still trying to exhale and enjoy

i’m still wondering what god is doing

——-

5 minutes on still…definitely took a turn i didn’t expect. oh hearts are amazingly messy. but thankfully most of the “still’s” aren’t all the time.  plus, i can just say that most of the happy-go-lucky, optimistic parts are on the side of i’m now doing this…really. there are glimpses of sunrise new beginnings just not in the “still’s.”

your turn…what happens in your heart when you start writing about “still”?

psst…

i ran a marathon a little over a month ago and i’m writing about it over on peas {in a blog} today. i love them and love their site! vegetarian food and exercise…what can get better than that!?

p.s. i laugh because even though it’s been over a month i’m just now learning and fully wearing a battle scar from running 26.2 miles…um hello runner’s feet and losing toe nails! bah!!!! cue hilarious blog about that next week after i’ve emotionally recovered from the horror.

big love

“Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread out your home, and spare no expense!”

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

The tears well up in my eyes as I savor the faces on a flat, lifeless piece of paper.  They capture my heart all over again.  I scrunch my eyes and cringe when I think about how time passes much too fast.  The heart connections held together over skype make me want to jump through the screen for a hug.  My heart bursts.  Sometimes I forget how much love expands.  The missing stays even if I run headlong into those I love because there are still the ones elsewhere.  I realize now that I’ve wanted to plant roots deep and to tether my heart to one place mostly because the missing wrecks my mascara.  Somehow, I naively think that I could still plant roots into one place except I’ve already learned how to love all over the world.  No matter what I do now, the fierce love for those too far to hug follows me around.  The leaving, the staying, the constant adjustment to change twists my heart.  Fear begs me to pull back and protect myself, but that’s no answer at all.  That’s missing out on the beautiful love. I’m learning to embrace the overwhelming, crushing, heart-aching love in the moment even though I know the missing will come.  Taking risks to enlarge my tent and spread my “home” wide with love.

Because, loving people is worth it.

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