Loss…

I almost said these past few months, but then I realized that it’s been this year.  2011.  I’m marking it down as the year that I started to learn how to grieve.  I never took the time before. I rushed from one trauma into the next thing.  I couldn’t catch my breath long enough to let the tears come and when they come sometimes they overwhelm.  Tears that I didn’t want to cry.  I scrunch up my face in protest, but learn that doesn’t work too well–even now writing this post, I see teary eyed because once you’ve opened the floodgates, you open them wide.  Yet all at once, there are those days where you so badly want the tears to come and they don’t.

That’s the thing about loss and grieving.  They aren’t what you expect at all.  They come in their own jumbled mess of a box without a timeline, formula, or plan.  Even now, I catch myself needing to give myself grace when I say, “You should be over this. That shouldn’t trigger that.”  I’m throwing wrenches, hammers, screwdrivers, and everything I need in my toolbox.  Grabbing ahold of all the tools I can get because I know the fight is fierce. I’ve been there. I’m in it. Fighting PTSD like triggers that come out of nowhere.  A song. The way someone says something. An invitation.  Unexpected knee jerk reactions that cause me to throw up my walls, retreat, draw away, and put on my “tough” face.  Oh the ways I need to speak life and truth to myself: “Not everyone does that. They’re a solid person. You’re okay. Engage, don’t withdraw.”

In the midst of the loss, I stand tear-stained confident that He who began a good work will continue to be faithful to complete it.  He began this grieving and healing process, He will walk with me through it.  He promised to comfort. He will. He promised to make beauty from my ashes.  He will. Even though I see loss written all over, He is the great reward.  As is written, “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.”

Though, what I’ve lost mattered to me and it mattered to God because I matter to Him…I also keep in mind that He is far better.  So, when the door closes again and I experience another loss, I can rest in knowing Christ.

————

a little five minute friday turned into more than five minutes if you need because well it’s friday and sometimes when your teary eyed you need a bit more. thank goodness lisa-jo even gave permission 😉

what experiences do you have with loss and grieving?

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18 thoughts on “Loss…

  1. Katy,
    this was so rich. I appreciate how you weave words and how you bare your soul in such an honest and Christ-centered way. Thank you for this, your post is encouraging to me.

  2. Katy – thank you for sharing your heart with us, and you are so right about loss taking time, and coming out of nowhere. Thank you for your encouragement, too – He is indeed faithful – it is so good to hear.

  3. My 3 1/2 month old nephew died of SIDS in November of 2001. Grief has been a long process for me. Just this spring I heard an ambulance siren in my neighborhood (I live very rural) and was right back in the same place living that morning out again.

    You’re right. It sneaks up on you. It makes you want to put up your walls for protection, but then something comes along and just pierces the walls. It hurts, and you will never be the same. But when the scars start to heal, those places are stronger. You start to refine your thinking on what really matters and don’t spend so much time on the things that don’t. And little by little your scars will start to look “less like scars and more like character.” (quote from a Sara Groves song)

    Praying peace, healing and incredible strength.

    • oh my heart is breaking. that is so devastating and heart-wrenching. babies and little ones hold such a dear spot in all our lives. praying for you and all your family.
      love that quote from the sara groves song even if it is a hard process and sometimes a lengthy one.
      love you and thank you for bearing your heart.

    • yes! even when i started writing i was like i know these are the verses that hit my heart when thinking about loss even if it’s a hard connection

  4. I really loved this post. Loss and grief is a pretty rough topic for me, so I took the 5 Minute Friday a little more light-heartedly and talked about losing things (because I do it often).

    I finally figured out how to follow via Google Reader, so I’ll be commenting more regularly! =)

    • ha i lose things too! and i love that you took it light-hearted. friday’s are best when they are that way.
      glad to hear you’re following on google reader now! =)

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