I almost said these past few months, but then I realized that it’s been this year. 2011. I’m marking it down as the year that I started to learn how to grieve. I never took the time before. I rushed from one trauma into the next thing. I couldn’t catch my breath long enough to let the tears come and when they come sometimes they overwhelm. Tears that I didn’t want to cry. I scrunch up my face in protest, but learn that doesn’t work too well–even now writing this post, I see teary eyed because once you’ve opened the floodgates, you open them wide. Yet all at once, there are those days where you so badly want the tears to come and they don’t.
That’s the thing about loss and grieving. They aren’t what you expect at all. They come in their own jumbled mess of a box without a timeline, formula, or plan. Even now, I catch myself needing to give myself grace when I say, “You should be over this. That shouldn’t trigger that.” I’m throwing wrenches, hammers, screwdrivers, and everything I need in my toolbox. Grabbing ahold of all the tools I can get because I know the fight is fierce. I’ve been there. I’m in it. Fighting PTSD like triggers that come out of nowhere. A song. The way someone says something. An invitation. Unexpected knee jerk reactions that cause me to throw up my walls, retreat, draw away, and put on my “tough” face. Oh the ways I need to speak life and truth to myself: “Not everyone does that. They’re a solid person. You’re okay. Engage, don’t withdraw.”
In the midst of the loss, I stand tear-stained confident that He who began a good work will continue to be faithful to complete it. He began this grieving and healing process, He will walk with me through it. He promised to comfort. He will. He promised to make beauty from my ashes. He will. Even though I see loss written all over, He is the great reward. As is written, “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.”
Though, what I’ve lost mattered to me and it mattered to God because I matter to Him…I also keep in mind that He is far better. So, when the door closes again and I experience another loss, I can rest in knowing Christ.
a little five minute friday turned into more than five minutes if you need because well it’s friday and sometimes when your teary eyed you need a bit more. thank goodness lisa-jo even gave permission 😉
what experiences do you have with loss and grieving?