I arrive what feels late now. Muttering under my breath over and over the only prayer I can put together: Help, God.
Standing alone feels vulnerable. I feel exposed.
With just enough strength, I breathe deep and walk in the door.
He’s holding my left hand and I feel Him squeeze tight. Maybe that’s just in my head, but either way, I know He’s there walking with me. He promised me. He’s the only one who has said He’ll never let me go, never leave or forsake. I cling to those promises even though everything in me tears at them with too many experiences of empty promises and of being left. I let Him be my family.
The clattering of voices and people mesh into a tapestry that I watch rather than engage. In the blur of moments, I am asked and then find myself with a baby in my arms. I did happen to say earlier that I am always willing to hold babies.
I drink in the feelings of how tiny fingers move together. I notice the rhythm of breath and the way wispy hair brushes against my face. I revel in the way her head rests on my chest quietly.
I exhale a prayer thanking Him for the breath of heaven in my arms and the answer to prayers she is. I rest knowing she is placed in a family who loves her and loves Him.
Soft, silent tears fall down my face. She feels like Zandile. I’m holding her like I held Lerato. My prayers turn to trusts and hopes. Trust that He has a home for Zandile. Trust that He provides all Lerato needs. Hopes that they both will know Him.
With my arms and heart full, I taste the hard love. I am overwhelmed by the love that gave it all for us in such a brutal way. I sing a sweet Hallelujah mingled with tears. He gets the mix of emotions.
I breathe deep in the moment to taste all parts of His love.
I remember the love as I settle in for the wait that comes with Saturday. A waiting for a victory already won. A reminder to press on toward the joy set before us.
He is the joy.
He is the love.
He is holding my hand
while I wait.