taste of love

I arrive what feels late now. Muttering under my breath over and over the only prayer I can put together: Help, God.

Standing alone feels vulnerable. I feel exposed.

With just enough strength, I breathe deep and walk in the door.

He’s holding my left hand and I feel Him squeeze tight. Maybe that’s just in my head, but either way, I know He’s there walking with me.  He promised me. He’s the only one who has said He’ll never let me go, never leave or forsake.  I cling to those promises even though everything in me tears at them with too many experiences of empty promises and of being left.  I let Him be my family.

The clattering of voices and people mesh into a tapestry that I watch rather than engage.  In the blur of moments, I am asked and then find myself with a baby in my arms.  I did happen to say earlier that I am always willing to hold babies.

I drink in the feelings of how tiny fingers move together.  I notice the rhythm of breath and the way wispy hair brushes against my face.  I revel in the way her head rests on my chest quietly.

I exhale a prayer thanking Him for the breath of heaven in my arms and the answer to prayers she is.  I rest knowing she is placed in a family who loves her and loves Him.

Soft, silent tears fall down my face.  She feels like Zandile.  I’m holding her like I held Lerato.  My prayers turn to trusts and hopes.  Trust that He has a home for Zandile.  Trust that He provides all Lerato needs.  Hopes that they both will know Him.

With my arms and heart full, I taste the hard love.  I am overwhelmed by the love that gave it all for us in such a brutal way.  I sing a sweet Hallelujah mingled with tears.  He gets the mix of emotions.

I breathe deep in the moment to taste all parts of His love.

I remember the love as I settle in for the wait that comes with Saturday.  A waiting for a victory already won.  A reminder to press on toward the joy set before us.

He is the joy.

He is the love.

He is holding my hand

while I wait.

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2 thoughts on “taste of love

  1. What a heart felt post. Praying for you today. May He wrap you up in His arms of love and may you know that all those you love and care for are held in His arms. Happy Easter!

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