“How long must I pray, must I pray to You? How long must I wait, must I wait for You? How long til I see Your face, see you shining through…I’m on my knees begging you to notice me. I’m on my knees. Father, will you turn to me.” -Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North
“I think I made You too small…where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean…what do I know of holy?” -What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
My heart is heavy. The tears fill my eyes. I am weary. I see the threadbare tapestry of my heart coming undone in a messy way.
I used to and still do often find myself unbalanced in an all love and mercy without understanding the role of justice. I remember clearly a moment in this last year where I struggled as others voiced their passionate heart’s cry for the unfairness and injustice of this fallen world. I pondered and didn’t understand. I had a fleeting thought that I should ask God to show me and teach me about justice. I even went home and read some verses. I shelved the thoughts for another day…
Then this last fall, I saw a glimpse of my fierce love combined with justice. I questioned and declared, “How dare they….” I saw right and wrong. I saw injustice and the hurt stemming from it. I saw how God hated the sin and how His daughters’ and sons’ hearts were broken.
Yet, in that situation, I focused more on others than acknowledging my own hurt or processing through it. I deflected and pressed forward. Only now am I realizing that my hurt was real. That wait a second, that was wrong, that trampled my heart.
More so even now, I look around and see injustice surrounding me in my story and the stories others carry. The air has been taken out of my lungs and I just want to catch my breath. I hurt for friends… I look around and my mouth opens to scream but my throat is clenched with tears.
Yet, I think of Job…
And I lift my mascara stained eye lashes to the ceiling and I hear Him gently reminding me…
Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
and stretched out the surveying line?
What supports its foundations,
and who laid its cornerstone
as the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
And that’s where I find trust. Trust found as I lay my hand on my mouth declaring that I like Job am so very small in comparison to God. Trust reminds me that His heart sees the injustice. His fury over the pain, sin, injustice, and mess of this world. Trust reminds me that even when all seems lost He’s working it all out for good. Trust in the messy, hard, questions of life that leave me unraveled. Trust in the hard.