five minute or so write

I just need to write. To let the words snap out of the keyboard onto the page.  I don’t want to let myself stop because then I might start thinking and pondering leading down roads where all those questions have no answers.  I’m living the questions.  I’m living the emotions. I’m letting myself feel. I’m not denying it. I’m not lying to myself or others. This is scary. vulnerable. hard. There’s beauty in it.  There’s beauty even in the suddenness of it all.  I found myself waking up to a snow covered land when it feels like just the other day we had temperatures in the 70s. My life feels like that.  The sudden change.  Yet, you know what?  As I stepped outside, I couldn’t help but marvel at how much I absolutely love snow covered branches.  That beautiful take your breath away, outlined in frosty wonderfulness. A feeling my words can’t quite get there within this five minute space.  The tension between biting chill and glorious sparkling light.  So, friends, I’m here. I’ll be back. Words are part of my healing. But in the space in between would you mind throwing a few words up to Him for me? To take a bit of that chill off and let me see more of the sparkling, glistening light.  The light that is defeating my darkness.

p.s. how are you doing? wanna gimme your five minute or two minute or whatever write? i’d love to hear from you and is there anything i can chat to Him for you about?

i’m asking Him questions

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now. “

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

did you know?

There are people fighting for your destiny.

Standing in the gap for you.

Prayer warriors loving you from afar.

Your layers of protection are thick as castle walls.

So, today.

Don’t draw back.

Don’t step out from under the leadership, authority, and love over you.

Stay connected. get connected.

Let your people fight with you.

Your pastor. pastor’s wife. small group leader. mentor.  friends. whoever god has placed.

And did you know?

God is with you.

He’ll never leave. He won’t forsake.

He’s the light defeating your darkness.

oh you hope so

you don’t need to stand in front of the closet

because you already know

it’s an “i love africa day”

the tears have fallen

the ache of a tattered heart

yet there you are

standing just the same

literally wearing your heart on your shirt

and you feel a little brave

just enough

to get you out the door

into this place so familiar yet

so foreign. still.

you step out

because you know

you just need to be

words don’t matter

just to be with people

to inhale their normal and hold your breath

before you drive back amongst the stars

into your normal

the here. the there. the missing of both.

but hiding out on the edges

you see her.

your words.

and you catch your breath because

you have this feeling

your words are coming back

and the quiet feeling is slowly receding

oh you hope so

fabulous friday

1. lately, i’m a tad obsessed with wearing my super cute boots. they’re just too fun. i’ve decided that i need to find more cute, cheap boots. oh, and i wouldn’t mind finding some adorable cowboy boots either. yep. so if you find any…let me know! ohhhh and…i may have even been persuaded to go try on skinny jeans this weekend…uhhhhhh?!? we’ll see how that works… =)

2.for being an introvert, i forget sometimes how much i absolutely love random conversations. i love the customer service parts of a job.  plus, when you get to go shopping and find that fun person to interact with then it’s fabulous.  getting to connect with people and hear a bit of their stories. now, that. that fills me up. laughing. joking. finding those heart connections.

3. this post on mercy and trust caused my head and heart to go into ultra pondering mode. mostly, i’m wrestling through how it plays itself out in my own life and relationships.

4.i had an entire conversation on twitter about smileys. i have mixed feelings. i have used : ) for so long that it feels wrong to change to another. though, = ) kind of has a nice little feeling to it. i’m sorry to say that ( : just doesn’t do it for me. what do you prefer?

5. well, we all know that i have a love for music and lyrics so it would be quite odd if i did not include a musical reference on my fabulous friday list. i finally gave in and bought phil wickham’s heaven and earth cd. so fabulous. deliciousness to my heart.

Gimme your fabulous five!!

a random sampling of heart lyrics:

“i wanna see you face to face. where being in Your arms is the permanent state.”

“whatever it takes to bring me somewhere higher. be it rain or be it fire.”

“i’m gonna carry you through fire. i’m gonna hold you in the rain. you don’t have to be afraid. take my hand. here i am. love is gonna make it right. just hold on.”

“he will be with you always. when everything is falling apart you will be safe in his arms.”

“i can’t sing loud enough when i’m singing for you my god.”

“you wrote a letter and you signed your name. i read every word page by page…i hear your voice and i catch my breath.”

“there is a reason. there is a plan. there is a god who understands….in all your hurts, in all your pain, i’ll never leave, i won’t forsake. you’re my child and i’m your god. come and rest in my love”

wee bit of me

{one} have you ever crawled through a window?

Yep! It’s pretty fun.  I’ve even crawled through a window in Africa 🙂

{two} what’s one subject you wish you knew more about?

Biblical History.

{three} who’s your favorite villain?

Um, who likes the villains? I can’t even think of any happy ones…

{four} have you ever hit a jackpot on a slot machine?

Nope.

{five} what is your favorite disney movie?

Oh so many. I do have a love for Aladdin and the magic carpet ride.  Lion King obviously is fabulous. Really, there aren’t many I don’t like. 🙂

{six} if the whole world were listening, what would you say?

God is madly in love with you.  —and then I’d probably tell my story.

{seven} if you could choose one song to describe you or your life, what would it be?

Um, yeah, picking just one song for my life…not so much. But, I can tell you the song that I am LOVING right now:

{eight} your desk: messy or organized?

Both. Starts out super organized, slowly goes to messy and then I hit a point where it gets organized. Same way with my room.

{nine} have you ever had surgery?

Nope! I’ve never broken a bone either.

{ten} if you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have?

A cute baby giraffe. Otherwise, if we’re talking pets that can actually happen then I want a super happy, cuddly, big, fluffy dog that will run with me and take up half of my bed.

daughter

“You cannot put earthly things above spiritual things and expect to grow spiritually.”

His intention was the perfecting and the full equipping of the saints (His consecrated people), [that they should do] the work of ministering toward building up Christ’s body (the church).  [That it might develop] until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the [full and accurate knowledge of the Son of God, that [we might arrive] at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard heigh of Christ’s own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him. -Ephesians 4:12-13

 

Sometimes….I’m a stubborn little daughter who expects her Papa to give her things that He never promised.  And ohhhhh, the mini temper tantrums and tears that get shed when I am disappointed and upset that I didn’t get what I thought I wanted in the timing I wanted.

Thankfully, He is patient.  He meets me where I am and keeps on picking me up.  He teaches me and helps me grow up.  Throughout it all, He sees the bigger picture.  He gives only good and perfect gifts.  He knows how to protect me best.  He will withhold or take away things that I may think I want because He knows what is truly best for me.  He knows me better than I know myself.

 

friday five

1. pulchritudinous is a five syllable word for beautiful.

2. i finished reading mary demuth’s Daisy Chain.  when i got to the end, i saw that there was an excerpt from the next book.  i failed to notice that the front cover the book stated it was part of a trilogy. missed that memo.

3. sometimes i get really random cravings like for garlic dipping sauce from papa john’s. i am so thankful for friends that not only let me have my whimsical wants, but also are ever so kind to make it happen.

4. i love having friends in my life that know me enough to send me an e-mail saying, “i noticed you haven’t been blogging as much this week…” which made me laugh and agree.  i just feel quiet. like my words are swallowed up. i feel like i’ve lost my “writeability.” i miss it. until then here’s a quote for you about writing: “I’m a writer mostly because I don’t know what I think until I write about it.”

5. did you know that i rarely blow dry my hair? maybe like a few times a month… and did you know that i have lost my hair brush (cue veggie tales song that i have only vaguely heard of because i missed that stage) and have yet to replace it so i really don’t brush it either…. fingers work just fine and really it just goes up usually anyway 🙂 but hey! i did get a hair cut. i think i like it!

Your turn! Gimme your Friday Five!

family

“God sets the lonely in families” -Psalm 68:6

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:19

“No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly” Psalm 84:11

“oh how He loves me.”

light.

“if i see You this darkness would turn to light.”

I kneel on the floor to scroll through my iTunes list one more time.  I scan my wish list to remind myself that: “No, you don’t want to buy a new song because you have 44 others that you could potentially want more.”  Finally, I settle with a play list.  I slip on my beaten down running shoes (did you know that I consciously have to call them running shoes instead of tennis shoes? I do).

I run. These 6.45 kilometers feel so much longer than the 10 kilometers I ran on Saturday.  Hello, mental battle!  I do a few random circles to avoid into the wind and head downhill as much as possible.  Whatever needs to be done so that I keep running instead of walking.  Around 2.8k, I turn into a little dead end. And I’m blinded.

Light.

Even with sunglasses, I can’t see anything but pure light. Brilliant sunshine.

And God meets me there.

Wake up, baby girl! Remember how you’ve been thinking about storms and deserts and walking on water? Well, fix your eyes intensely on Me.  Let My light overwhelm you. You won’t be able to see anything but light.  Sure, you gotta let go of control and give it to Me.  You have to let go of making things happen.  Let go of your plans.  Quit looking. Let go.  Rest in Me and hang onto Me alone.  You have to trust me. Trust me to keep you on the right path and direct your steps.  Trust me to provide all that you need and to walk with you through the stormy waters of trial and suffering.

“i know you didn’t lead me out here to drown….i know everything is alright.”