close my eyes and turn

Lately, I keep talking about throwing rocks.  Yesterday, I started talking about them with my lovely friend, Jen.  What a tangled web we weaved with all the different ways to look at throwing rocks of things we give to God….

does what the water look like change things?

does the type of rock matter?

what about where you throw the rock?

what about dying to yourself—do you throw yourself in the water?

how do you get the rock back–do you go get it from the water or does it pop out of thin air?

Right now, I’m still processing this little analogy of throwing rocks/burdens/anxieties/dreams/hopes/desires.  I don’t have a neat little box with a cute bow for how I understand it.  In fact, that’s not really, what I want to tell you about today.  Though, if you’d like….please leave me a comment on how you answer those questions and what you think of when you talk about throwing rocks.

Back on track….

Last night, I walked down to the lake after my run again. I hadn’t expected to be back there so fast.  I thought I had thrown my rocks.  This time, I picked up a good sized rock.  It was pock marked. Not very pretty, but still a good throwing rock.

I stood on the dock for a long while. Watching the water. Feeling the breeze. Letting the night settle into place. I wrestled.

I clicked through my iPod. “You Won’t Relent” by Jesus Culture settled into my heart.

God, what about me? How do I throw this one? Do you see me? Did you see my tears? Are you really for me? What if you don’t give me what I want? Will you help me keep throwing this rock when I find it in my hands again? But, God, I do want to get married…is that from you or from me?  Do I really have to lay down all of me?  Okay, God…I trust you…I want You more than I want any promise or blessing You could give me…help my heart see that even now and even when the road is narrow and help me believe when doubt crowds in…help my unbelief and help me trust. I need You more. I can do nothing without you…

You won’t relent until You have it all. My heart is yours.

And so I shut my eyes, took a deep breath, and threw that rock.  I turned 180 degrees and opened my eyes to walk the other way.  I didn’t see where the rock landed. I didn’t look back.  I set out on this new path.

After this upheaval [the process of being heaved upward. a great change or disturbance], I know that I am standing on solid rock even though I don’t know exactly what God is up to.  Yet, still I know He’s working it all out for good….it just might look a little different but that’s how “beyond all that you can ask or imagine” works anyway.