i confessed sin in those shoes

I wore the shoes. Cute, black heels. No socks. I don’t like socks. I was determined that if I was going down that I was going to do it looking good. These shoes are one of the most vivid things that I remember from this day last year. I can hear the clicking as I walked on the stone path.  The sliding door to get inside. Sitting in a chair with my legs crossed. My jeans fell just short enough that you could tell I wasn’t wearing socks.  I even later made a comment about how at least my shoes were cute.

In many ways, I clung to them. I stared at them. The tears fell when my eyes stared at them.  They were my statement: “I am still a person.”  Unlike the mascara that didn’t work to keep my tears from flowing, they kept me feeling a small bit of life and steadiness and feeling beautiful.  I don’t remember the reactions. I don’t remember my exact words. But, oh I remember those shoes.  I confessed sin in those shoes. I stood before a community and exposed my heart.

Beating wildly, my heart lay on the floor. Ready to be stomped on and discarded.  They didn’t. Instead, many of those faces freed their own hearts from the seeping blackness that gets in the way of new life.  They shared too.  We bared our hearts to find freedom in the truth and expose the lies.  It was beautiful. The body of Christ. Vulnerability turned into intimacy.  I left the night with a glimmer of hope.  Hope that these hearts would walk together toward Christ.  All the while, clinging to the promise: God works all things out for good. God works all things out for good. God works all things out for good. God works all things out for good.

And so, here I stand, exactly a year later. I stand wearing those same shoes.  I don’t wear them to camp out in the past.  I wear them to remind me of all that God has done and will do.

I stand in the newness of life. A different woman. A woman who no longer needs shoes to say: “I am still a person.”  I stand as a woman who wears the crown of forgiveness and who is called lovely by her Beloved.  I am His. He delights in me.

Confession is powerful. This day last year was the event, the game changer. The trajectory of my life changed. But, now, I stand knowing that healing, wholeness, and transformation need to be fought for every. single. day. There is no quick fix or magical pill.  Life doesn’t have a pause button for you to get your stuff together and then come back.

No, even today, I need to make the choice. To choose to live as who God says I am. To continually dig my roots deep into Him and Him alone. To be vulnerable and held accountable by the Body. To get back up when I stumble again because I do fall still. To let others walk with me. To keep on choosing it.  To keep on pressing on and digging deep.  Why? Because that’s where the abundant life in Christ becomes real and I am free.  That’s where *knowing* God becomes more than just words.  Besides…

Truth always wins out.

do you have anything you need to confess? have you let others walk with you? are you letting others speak truth into your life?

“now is the time to step from the dark into the light. cause you can’t change what you’ve done. but you can choose who you’ll become. and every moment is a second chance at starting over. move from the past to the present tense. you can start over again. you don’t have to be who you’ve been. you can change within. it’s never too late.” -starting over by addison road

*if this stirred your heart and you don’t quite want to leave a comment. i would love to hear from you. kigkat@gmail.com

close my eyes and turn

Lately, I keep talking about throwing rocks.  Yesterday, I started talking about them with my lovely friend, Jen.  What a tangled web we weaved with all the different ways to look at throwing rocks of things we give to God….

does what the water look like change things?

does the type of rock matter?

what about where you throw the rock?

what about dying to yourself—do you throw yourself in the water?

how do you get the rock back–do you go get it from the water or does it pop out of thin air?

Right now, I’m still processing this little analogy of throwing rocks/burdens/anxieties/dreams/hopes/desires.  I don’t have a neat little box with a cute bow for how I understand it.  In fact, that’s not really, what I want to tell you about today.  Though, if you’d like….please leave me a comment on how you answer those questions and what you think of when you talk about throwing rocks.

Back on track….

Last night, I walked down to the lake after my run again. I hadn’t expected to be back there so fast.  I thought I had thrown my rocks.  This time, I picked up a good sized rock.  It was pock marked. Not very pretty, but still a good throwing rock.

I stood on the dock for a long while. Watching the water. Feeling the breeze. Letting the night settle into place. I wrestled.

I clicked through my iPod. “You Won’t Relent” by Jesus Culture settled into my heart.

God, what about me? How do I throw this one? Do you see me? Did you see my tears? Are you really for me? What if you don’t give me what I want? Will you help me keep throwing this rock when I find it in my hands again? But, God, I do want to get married…is that from you or from me?  Do I really have to lay down all of me?  Okay, God…I trust you…I want You more than I want any promise or blessing You could give me…help my heart see that even now and even when the road is narrow and help me believe when doubt crowds in…help my unbelief and help me trust. I need You more. I can do nothing without you…

You won’t relent until You have it all. My heart is yours.

And so I shut my eyes, took a deep breath, and threw that rock.  I turned 180 degrees and opened my eyes to walk the other way.  I didn’t see where the rock landed. I didn’t look back.  I set out on this new path.

After this upheaval [the process of being heaved upward. a great change or disturbance], I know that I am standing on solid rock even though I don’t know exactly what God is up to.  Yet, still I know He’s working it all out for good….it just might look a little different but that’s how “beyond all that you can ask or imagine” works anyway.

monday musings

{1} pretty

This weekend, I wore my “I love Africa” shirt and my hat from Tara on Saturday night.  On Sunday, I wore a dress I could twirl in to church and then changed into my cute green fleece pajama pants so that I could dance it out in my room.  I even have my nails painted. pink with sparkles.

{2} singing out truth

My music has been blaring wherever I am this weekend.  I keep turning up the volume and singing my heart out so that I remember the truth.  A few songs on my playlist: “You are For Me” by Kari Jobe (I bought this on Saturday…and it’s already got 41 plays), “Sing My Love” by Kim Walker, “Healer” sung by Bethel Live, “Stay With Me” by BarlowGirl, “Fight Another Day” by Addison Road, “It’s Not Over” by Stellar Kart, and well a lot of others, but there’s a few for you.

{3} ALL things

God works all things out for good. -Romans 8:28 I’m standing on this and clinging to this.

{4} walking it out

so thankful. yet again. for those who walk it out with me. you all love me fiercely and have taught me so much about walking it out with love.

{5} god

i love that He makes me laugh and smile. the joy of the Lord is my strength. He is strong in my weaknesses. He walks with me through fire. He leaves me love notes all around. He teaches me even in this. He has plans for me (The good things I have planned for you, Katy, are too many to count. -Psalm 40:5) and I’m listening to His voice….He gets the final say in everything.

your turn! random monday musings commence…

chatting to Him about you.

hi friends. today, i’m taking some time to chat about you all to Him. i’m setting aside some time.  i’m asking Him to work ALL things out for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  i’m asking Him to show you how He sees you. and really…i’m just chatting to Him about you. being mindful of you.

so, friends. is there anything i can be specifically chatting about with Him for you? i would love to lift up what’s on your heart specifically. so, let me know and even if you don’t, know that i’m praying for you.

loving you all fiercely even if it’s from afar.

-katy

friday whoa

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8

—

I’ve learned to get real with God. To chat it out with Him. I used to run away and try to hide all these “un-Christian-like” thoughts, feelings, etc.  I’d bought into the lie that “that’s just how I feel and I can’t change that” or the “I sure don’t want to even admit that to myself let alone God so if I deny it then it’s not real.”  All of that led to a whole lotta stuff in my heart that God wanted to heal.

He’s still in the business of healing my heart. Except now, I’ve learned to go to Him sooner than later.

So, tonight, I found myself running (did I tell you I’m pre-training for a marathon I’m going to do when I get back to Africa, yep, I am!).  I knew this run would end in a long walk with some real heart to heart chatting.  To be frank, I was a bit mad. I was hurt. Mad at myself, others, and God. Hurt by words, actions, and silence. Perfect stormy waters.

I expected to go and rant it all out to God and really just lay it on thick. But, He ever so gently reminded me of Philippians 4:8 (see, memorizing scripture and knowing it is important!). I wanted to be like…”But, God, I don’t want to think about those things….” And He said, “But, daughter, speak life. Don’t speak death. They’re just as much my children as you are.”

And so in the middle of the road, I spoke. I spoke out truth for the birds and the water and the dirt road and my heart and god and the cars zipping by to hear.

I spoke their names. I spoke my name. I remembered who God was and who we are in God. And described us:

“Strong. Patient. Heart of a Lion. Kind. Loving. Worthy. Lovable. Beautiful. Waiting well. Protector. King. Beloved. Endures. Daughter. Son. Gentle. Following after God. Heart of Gold. Not boastful. Rejoices at truth. Satisfied by God. Content. Listening to God. Obeying God. Selfless. Trustworthy. Thinks the best of everyone. Not out to hurt. Wants the best for us. Hopeful. For us. Prayer warrior. Compassionate. Transformed. Changed. Abiding in God. Takes no account of the evil done and pays no attention to a suffered wrong. Believes. Trusts God.”

and that, my friends, is how god teaches me to forgive and heal and trust Him regardless of how things look. and He reminds me that my heart is beautiful because it is a new heart that He has given me.

friday five

1. “god is watching over you…she’ll be just fine cause i know He hears her when she cries.” –when she cries by britt nicole and go listen to defender by chris mcclarney and i surrender by kim walker (“i surrender because i trust you, god. all my hope is in you. your love makes it worth it all.”)

2. i’m throwing a big rock into the water and watching it sink. deeper. and deeper. until it’s covered by the mud and seaweed on the bottom. i don’t like seaweed. but i know i’ll have to keep on throwing this rock out there. again. and again. and again. but you know what? i think that’s partly why it’s called a living sacrifice…you have to know what you’re sacrificing in part and it’s not really a sacrifice unless it is something you care about.

3. in order to be like esther. you have to actually go through the waiting process.

4. and i still believe You’re the same yesterday, today and forever. you work ALL things out for good.

5. love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. it is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. it does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness but rejoices when right and truth prevail. love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. and so faith, hope, love abide [faith–conviction and belief respecting man’s relation to God and divine things; hope–joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love–true affection for God and man, growing out of God’s love for and in us.]

okay, those turned a bit lengthy…but gimme your friday five. whatever’s on your heart 🙂

Letting Go of Worry

Even though this post was written back in February, I find it still changing how I see things.  I didn’t even comment on it but it touched my heart and changed how I saw worry and still does….

I’ve gathered these stones and need to come to the water’s edge to lay them down.  I throw them far far away into the water.  Though, oftentimes I find them back in my hands only to be let go again. A continual letting go and letting God.

fear.insecurity.africa.shame.guilt.sin.compliments.idols.screwingup.

relationships.anger.jealousy.impatience.mybaby.futurebabies.futurehusband.

thefuture.control.greed.money.friendships.rejection.hurt.offense.

myself.

Last night, I went for a run and wandered my way down to my own water’s edge. I picked up a few rocks and threw them far. I watched them splash and felt my heart take a deep breath.  I listened to what He’s done for me. I poured out my heart before Him and rested in trusting Him. I came to my room to write it down.  To write down the prayers and keep on letting go. To tuck them away in a little prayer box and know that He hears, He sees, He knows me. I’m sure these are things I’ll have to keep on letting go because after all He did say…

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  -Luke 9:23

 

you:create…closet door

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness is useful and of value in everything and in every way.” 1 Timothy 4:8

“But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Seek Intimacy–ways that to connect with God

Pre-training–current running

Marathon training schedule

Calendar with spots to keep track

Let God

—

Visual reminders are key. If I see my goals or have a spot to check them off then I am much more likely to follow through on them.  Plus, if it’s on my closet door….well, then there’s really no way around me seeing it at least twice a day!

How do you keep track? Do you keep track? Do you have any goals you’re working toward?

My Current Goals (check out Hello 2010 for the whole list of those I wrote in January): Bible in 90 days, Marathon in Africa, Go back to Africa in His Timing, Joy list, Drinking more water, Flossing/Brushing teeth, Waiting Well

wee bit of wednesdays: waiting well…it’s a theme in my life

i’m pretty sure god is using even this to teach me to wait well…having to wait for the questions until the middle of the morning 🙂

{one} what is your happiest childhood memory?

hmmmmm, that’s a tough one! one of the ones that always sticks out is that my best friend ashley and i would play on her trampoline (my mom so wasn’t a fan of trampolines but usually let me at her house) and we would make up dances and all sorts of fun things on it. We made a pretty sweet routine to the song “My Father’s House” complete with actions and singing loud.

{two} what is your middle name?

Rose. it’s actually my mom’s maiden name. i love it. sometimes people even call me Katy Rose.

{three} what’s the habit you’re most proud of breaking?

um, the only thing that comes to mind is giving up pop/soda completely. i haven’t drank any since december 2007.

{four} what do you order when you order chinese food?

vegetable fried rice and spring rolls. before i became a vegetarian i was a hard core sweet and sour chicken girl.

{five} what’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or a thrift store?

i just bought two SUPER cute dresses for cheap. one has pockets and is totally a twirling dress and the other is dressy and satiny and makes you just feel beautiful.

{six} what’s the best costume you’ve ever worn?

can’t say i remember too many…last year, i wore a random assortment of stuff for a super hero party. it was pretty sweet. my ability was that i could control the weather.

{seven} who’s your favorite game show host?

jillian and bob? from biggest loser? they’re kinda fun. bob barker is a classic.

{eight} what’s your favorite breakfast food?

this is a toss up. i LOVE cereal anytime. but i LOVE pancakes especially when someone else makes them for me. and i like hash browns too.

{nine} what’s your least favorite word?

one of my least favorite words is hate.

{ten} describe something that happened to you for which you have no explanation.

i don’t know. everything “coincidence” wise then the explanation is well that’s god. i’ll have to ponder this more.

Your turn!! 🙂

babies

the unbreakable one

steadfast in love

and in battle

you never will give up

with mountains to climb

your heart of a lion will rise up

and your love will speak louder

some say lose hope in being a true man, but i say i’ll be like my Dad

————–

I am stuck on this song. Unbreakable by Paul Stephens. I keep listening to it on his website.  Someday I’m sure I’ll give in and spend the $0.99 but until then while I have fast internet this works.

So, how does this relate to babies? Well, see, I have all sorts of babies in my life.  I have my baby (Lindo). Okay, he’s not really *mine* but I claim him.

Then I have my Hope House babies and my kiddos from camp and my church babies and church kiddos and LaunchPad kiddos and  I have my kiddos at school and my babies that I hope will call me mama one day.

Basically, I have a lot of kids in my life. I pray for a lot of kids. I hug a lot of kids. I spend time with a lot of kids. And I love them fiercely. I keep saying that lately, but it’s true for people in my life and not just the kids. I love fiercely and am oh so loyal.  In listening to this song, I realized…this is one of those things I want my babies and kiddos to know.  I want them to know Jesus intimately in a way that they see Him as the ultimate Dad–Abba, Father.  That He first and foremost is the Unbreakable One.  But, I also want them to have men in their lives that live this out, a man they can follow.  I want my baby to grow up to have a heart after God’s like the king David did.  I want my girlies to not settle for anyone less than a protector. I want love spoken loud into their lives.

So, babies and kiddos…I’m praying for you. I’m expectant of all that God is doing and will do in and through you.  He’s got BIG plans.

So, what about you…how does this song speak to you? Do you have “unbreakable” ones in your life?

p.s. I have a follow-up post to this one coming soon about my “knight in shattered armor.” It’s still brewing in my head and has been ever since I read this post, but I’m excited about it 🙂