Pocket Full of Thoughts

• Ha, I so need one of these….
• So excited about this new start because I am totally living out a “second chance” myself: a movement of people that would let radical integrity and radical grace consume them in their life and leadership.
• Took a nap on the couch tonight…so comfy and safe
• No cocoa for brownies….but popcorn when I woke up hit the spot
• New to me, free clothes make my heart so happy. seriously. 2 pairs of running tights and 2 under armor long sleeve shirts (plus, one with the thumb hole things!!! I am so set for running in the minnesota cold….) not to mention a cute tank top, other clothes and a fun bag.
• This looks totally awesome. I miss my bike and I heart Africa.
• Feeling the days slipping by so fast…
• We leave for debriefing and Cape Town on Saturday–what!?
• Why am I still up? Oh right, I took a forever long nap tonight.
• What are you up to?

 

I Cried…

“So You Think You Can Dance” gripped my heart tonight.  My eyes fixated on the screen.  I crumpled inside.  I ached with each debilitating, overwhelming act that pushed her to the ground. I re-lived the echo: you’re everything I think I need, you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.  The chains came crushing down. Biting into my skin.  Reverberating lies instead of truth.  Yet, here I stand.  On the other side.  Set free. Not going back. I won’t back down. Throwing myself on my beloved.  Wrapping myself in Him.  Living here on my knees for Him.  He touches me for a little while, then I am strong.  He frees me from my chains.  And here I am, and I stand, so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.  Standing with Him, falling into His gravity.

ht: watch this: Addicted

Bam!

If you know me even a little, then you probably know that I tend to think….think a lot.  Sometimes to the point where it gets in the way and puts up walls (not a good thing) and stops things from going from my head to my heart.  The last few days I got all caught up in the thinking.  The heady, here’s what experience tells me.  I “know” the truth, but I couldn’t shake the all over the board emotions ranging from confused to frustrated to happy to disappointed to sad to lonely to okay to everything else.  I bounced around and couldn’t find my footing on the solid rock.

Until today. I sat in class and I tried to pay attention and engage in conversation, but every once in a while my thoughts would overwhelm me still.  Until I heard these words, “Follow Me.”  Funny thing is that we were talking about ministering to youth and I really don’t remember how that fit in and neither does my roomie (I asked her later).  So then, God immediately brought to mind the verse below:

“…what is that to you?  You follow Me!”

My reaction: Whoa. Lord, you are so here.  You are so getting my attention.  Because really.  What is it to me that ___ is doing this or that God is working in that way in their lives.  Even, who is that to me and what is that to you that I’m working in a way you didn’t expect.  When all I need to focus on is following Him then everything else fades away.  Africa fades away. Lindo fades away. Thrive fades away. Hope House kids fade away. Marriage fades away.

Yes, good things and yes, serving is good, but He just wants me to “be.”  He loves me when I’m just sitting on the floor with Him leaning against my bed.  He wants me to follow Him and be with Him.  He wants to step out only on His firm foundation.

“It had opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised but for himself.  All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever. “Nothing else really matters only to love him and to do what he tells me.” -Hinds Feet in High Places

Camping Out

I’ve been camping out in Isaiah and here’s a verse that God pulled to my heart today:

“But you will not go out in haste…For the Lord will go before you and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” -Isaiah 52:12

Lyrics on Repeat

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh How he loves us, how he loves us so

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us

~

We have all we need in You
And all we need is You
All we need is You

You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire

~

And I’m madly in love with You

Weighty

I stood at the doorway waiting to bring in the Jell-o for the game to see who could eat it the fastest through a straw.  My eyes watched the room from afar.  Looking at the wide range of emotions on the kids’ faces and seeing their reactions to counting stickers.  When I looked closer, I saw and felt hope.  These kids live at Hope House.  A House that can be filled with Hope.  An expectation of things to come, the potential for changed lives filled the room.

Suddenly, my attention turned to a cry from outside the room with commotion.  I turned to see what happened.  Katleho (above) sat on the floor crying.  I asked what had happened to find out that he had fallen forward with his head hitting the floor first.  A bump already popped out and a previous scar from another fall stood out.  My heart reached out with my hands as I tried to hold his hand.  The caretaker tried to drag him to his feet by grabbing his hand, but I went behind asking if I could carry him into the kitchen.  I picked him up, not noticing the wetness, and sat with him on the floor.  I asked the caretakers about Katleho’s seizures and if he was taking his medicine along with if he was up for adoption.

Desperately, I wanted to take him home with me along with all the other kids.  I wanted to hold them in my arms and give them the one-on-one attention they crave.  Yet, more than that, I wanted to show them that I believe in them.  I believe they can.  I don’t want to say, “I can do this for you.” I want to empower them and overwhelm them with love. To feel the weight of the glory of God and the weight of His love for them.

1 Corinthians 13:7 “Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything”

White Chocolate Deliciousness

I spent the night baking!  Finally!  I haven’t been in the mood to bake for so long and I definitely missed it.  I am so glad and my heart is happy that this part of me can be expressed with joy instead of sadness/heartache at remembering times of baking with others.  I love baking, baking with people and giving food to others. I made some brownies for those who watched Titanic and then I made banana bread with white chocolate and brown sugar from the States (woot! the brown sugar here is different…and you can’t get white chocolate in “chip” form here).  I included the recipe for the banana bread below since I think it’s the best and super delicious especially with white chocolate chips.  Enjoy!  Any recipes that you recommend?

—

Banana Bread

5 T butter

½ cup sugar

½ cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1 large egg, 2 egg whites or egg replacer works fabulously!

1 t. whites

1 t. vanilla

1 ½ cup mashed bananas

1 ¾ cup flour

1 t. soda

½ t. salt

¼ t. baking powder

½ cup heavy cream or soy milk

NOTE: These are REALLY good with white chocolate and many people like them with chocolate too, but I like white chocolate.  Estimate how much you want in there.

1. Preheat oven to 350.  Spray the bottom of the loaf pans (2 reg. or 4 small).
2. Beat butter in a large bowl on medium speed until light and fluffy.  Add sugar and brown sugar.  Beat well.  Add egg, egg whites, and vanilla.  Beat until well blended.  Add mashed bananas.  Beat on high 30 sec.
3. Combine flour, baking soda, salt and baking powder.  Add this flour mixture to butter mixture alternately w/cream.  End with flour mixture.
4. Pour the batter evenly into the loaf pan.  Bake until brown, toothpick inserted in center will come out clean.  Baking times: Larger Loaf pan—1 hour 15 minutes.  Smaller Loaf pan—45 minutes.  (I don’t know if I buy these times…each oven is different and I usually find it needs more time.  Just stick a knife in it and when it comes out clean then it’s ready!!).
5. Cool on wire rack in pan.  Remove from pan after 10 minutes.  Cool completely on wire rack.  (Nah, go ahead and eat some after the first 10 minutes…YUM!)

Pray!

Meet Gugu

Meet Nomfundo

I hold these two girls in my heart and in my arms.  They make my heart happy and I love getting to see them on Fridays at Hope House.  But, there’s a slight problem…they don’t like each other.  They’re in that lovely later elementary school girl age where they fight and seek attention.  Not to mention that Nomfundo recently came to Hope House a few weeks ago so she is still adjusting to the new environment.  My prayer is that the love of Christ would completely overwhelm them and transform their lives, which in turn dramatically changes their relationship.

Anything I can be praying for you about on this Friday night?

Come Alive

A little over a year ago, God laid on my heart a desire to serve, to go, to experience, to put into practice all my “book smarts.”  Passion rose up in me when I talked about going and the things that I would do here.  Everything was new.  I had never been here.  I didn’t know the people.  But my heart was already full of passion, excitement, and determination to see change.

Last night, I talked with my roommate for hours about that same passion.  I articulated my heart in ways that I hadn’t spoken out loud before.  Except this time, I see the faces.  I see the bare feet.  I see the laughter.  I see the hurt.  I see the potential.  I know the people.  I have my own stories.  I work with people who share stories and passion for these people.  I have them in my heart.  I come alive when I talk about my passion for South Africa, for the kids here, for discipleship, and for the amazing ways God shows up, how He relentlessly pursues us,  and how big He is.

Full

My heart is full.  Saturday proved to be a perfect, full day.  I woke up thinking and tweeting: “sunny saturday and no plans as of yet. not sure how I feel about that…”

I started out by staying in bed for a bit and then going outside to embrace the sunshine.  I read and got a tan while laying on a combo of a sleeping bag, blanket, towel and three pillows with music playing in the background next to six different books (Wide Awake, Out of the Salt Shaker, Her Name is Woman, Christ In You, The Bible, Inner Healing).  I even had a blank canvas, paints, a journal, pens, and of course sunglasses.  I like to be prepared/going inside and up the stairs to get something is not an ideal interruption.

Somewhere along the way I decided to pile all my stuff on my stairs in case I decided to return to my spot on the porch after I made delicious sweet tea.  Sweet tea makes my heart happy and feel like summer.  Though, I never did make it back to lay on the porch.  Instead, I helped (Josh–a volunteer here for 10 days) make a sweet video in iMovie.  I am so using that to make some fun stuff.

Then I intended to go on a walk (with Jace), which was delayed due to hanging out and chatting.  Eventually, we (Jace, Allen, and I) made our way to the pond where we saw some poor, sad, dead frogs while discussing how dirty the pool looked and how we needed to get gloves before trying to shimmy down the zip line.  After the walk, we (Jace, Allen, Jen, and I) jumped into a game of Settlers, which made my heart happy since we hadn’t played it yet.  Then dinner, hanging out (most/all of the interns plus the volunteers), playing guitar on an adorable little guitar, talking about life, laughing, time for prayer (for Tara’s family–pray for them too!), and then we ended the day with watching Wolverine.  I even stayed awake and got in some discussion about how some characters have some bitter roots!

Thus, the day ended with the thought and tweet: “what an awesome full saturday that is ending with a full heart praise God!”  I am so thankful for the people God has put around me during this time to walk with me and build me up during this time of re-learning, un-learning, and learning while embracing who I am in Him!